[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW, MR. VICE PRESIDENT. I FEEL LIKE I SAY THIS EVERY WEEK, ABOUT THUT WEEK WAS BAD. I'M BEGINNING TO REGRET MY WISH TO BECOME A REAL BOY. I TOSSED AND TURNED IN MY SHOEBOX ALL NIGHT WONDERING WHAT'S THE FBI GOING TO DO NEXT? >> I KNOW, I KNOW, WE'RE IN A REAL PICKLE HERE, JEFF. AND YOU KNOW HOW UNCOMFORTABLE I AM AROUND PICKLES.
>> YES. I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY RAIDED MICHAEL COHEN'S OFFICE. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO, MIKE? >> THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO STAY CALM. IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS THE PRESIDENT WILL BE BACK NO TO NORMAL. >> HOW'S THAT? >> BECAUSE IT WILL BE ME. >> OH! THAT'S A GOOD ONE. >> EXCUSE ME, MR. SESSIONS? >> OH, NO, THEY HERE FOR US? I WILL GO PEACEFULLY. >> NO, IT'S NOT THE POLICE. THE PRESIDENT'S COWIN, IS HERE TO SEE YOU. >> OH, FINALLY. BY ALL MEANS, SEND HIM IN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HEY. HOW YOU DOING? YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S MICHAEL COHEN, ATTORNEY AT LAW. AND ALSO SOMETIMES NOT AT LAW. >> MR. COHEN, THIS SITUATION IS OUT OF HAND. >> I KNOW! CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT THEY'RE DOING TO POOR MR. TRUMP? IT'S A DISGRACE! THIS WHOLE RAID WAS A COMPLETE VIOLATION OF ATTORNEY/CRIMINAL PRIVILEGE.
>> WELL, IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, THEN YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. >> IS THAT A JOKE? WE GOT A REAL PROBLEM HERE, JEFF. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH EVIDENCE I HAVE IN MY OFFICE? I'M DONALD TRUMP'S LAWYER! I GOT A WHOLE HARD DRIVE THAT'S JUST LABELED "YIKES." >> I MUST SAY, SOME OF THESE ALLEGATIONS AGAINST YOU ARE QUITE DISTURBING, MR. COHEN. HOW I DO PAID $MILLION FOR A TOP REPUBLICAN'S MISTRESS TO HAVE AN ABORTION? >> YEAH, $MILLION FOR AN ABORTLE, THANK YOU OBAMACARE. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, JEFF. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE RECUSED YOURSELF, YOU SHOULD HAVE PROTECTED MR. TRUMP. HE'S A FRAGILE FLOWER. AND HE ALSO HAPPENS TO BE THE SMARTEST, KINDEST, SEXIEST, LEAST-COLLUDING MAN ON THIS PLANET WHICH I CALL EARTH. >> OKAY, SO HE'S JUST A FULL DUMB-DUMB THEN. MICHAEL, THE REASON WE BROUGHT YOU HERE TODAY THAT IS THERE'S SOMEONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK WITH YOU. >> OH, GREAT.
Align:start WHO? >> DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, HE'S DOWN THE HALL WAITING FOR YOU. >> REMEMBER, WHATEVER HAPPENS, YOU HAVE OUR FULL SUPPORT. OKAY? RIGHT THIS WAY. THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU FOR COMING IN. I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THAT LITTLE DUMMY BIRD. OH! >> WHAT IS THIS PLACE? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> LOOKING FOR SOMETHING, MR. COHEN? >> ROBERT MUELLER? >> WHY DON'TCHA HAVE A SEAT, MR. COHEN. HERE. PUT THESE ON. HAVE YOU EVER USED A LIE DETECTOR BEFORE? >> I FEEL LIKE I HAVE. >> GREAT. LOOK, I WANT YOU DO KNOW I WILL GLADLY GO TO JAIL TO PROTECT MR. PRESIDENT TRUMP. >> JUST RELAX, MR. COHEN. IF YOU'RE INNOCENT, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
I'LL START WITH SOME EASY ONES. HOW'D YOU LIKE THAT PEE-PEE TAPE? >> WHAT? >> I'M KIDDING, RELAX. WE'LL GET TO THAT LATER. IS YOUR NAME MICHAEL COHEN? >> YES. >> AND YOU'RE A LAWYER? >> ISH. >> DID YOU HAVE -- DID YOU MAKE A PAYMENT OF $130,000 TO STORMY DANIELS? >> YES. >> AND DID PRESIDENT TRUMP KNOW ABOUT IT? >> NO. >> I THINK YOU'RE LYING. >> YEAH, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO AN SURPRISE FOR STORMY, LIKE A GIFT.
>> A GIFT? >> YEAH, A GIFT. LIKE A ROCK THROUGH THE WINDOW WITH A NOTE TIED TO IT THAT SAYS "STOP TALKING." >> SO YOU'VE THREATENED PEOPLE? >> DIRECTLY, NO. BUT LET'S JUST SAY I'VE CUT A LOT OF LETTERS OUT OF A LOT OF MAGAZINES. JUST TRYING TO MILLING SOME INFORMATION OUT OF PEOPLE, SO WHAT? >> DID YOU SAY MILK? >> YEAH. LIKE -- WITH A COW OR A GOAT OR A -- CAT. [ LAUGHTER ] I MEAN, YOU CAN MILK ANYTHING WITH NIPPLES.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> REALLY? I HAVE NIPPLES. CAN YOU MILK ME, MR. COHEN? >> LOOK, MR. MUELLER THIS ENTIRE RUSSIA VEST SAYING IS A WITCH HUNT AND YOUR WHOLE TEAM IS PREJUDICED AGAINST THE PRESIDENT. >> NOT TRUE. WE USE CODE NAMES SO PERSONAL FEELINGS NEVER COME INTO IT. >> WHAT'S PRESIDENT TRUMP'S CODE NAME? >> WELL, IT USED TO BE "PUTIN'S LITTLE BITCH." NOW IT'S "STORMY'S LITTLE BITCH." >> WHAT ABOUT IVANKA'S CODE NAME? >> "GIRLFRIEND." >> JARED KUSHNER? >> "OTHER GIRLFRIEND." >> DON JR. AND ERIC? >> "TWO FREDOS." >> AND WHAT ABOUT MY CODE NAME? >> "DEAD MAN WALKING." >> LOOK, I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU, I HAVE RIGHTS. >> NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME, YOU LITTLE WEASEL. I DON'T KNOW WHAT RIGHTS YOU THINK YOU HAVE.
YOU BROKE THE LAW. AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO CATCH ALL OF YOU LITTLE FOCKERS, YOU GOT THAT? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] OKAY, BUT I WILL TELL YOU THIS -- LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!.
