so... its back
i thoiught it was gone
but every night
for the past month and a half
the beast as been hiding
lurking
under the bed
just waiting
for me to go lay down
and then
bam
no warning
it sinks in the teeth
and we battle
for hours
finally, i drift off to sleep, exhausted.
the beast won this round too
but the next day, i get up.
get dressed.
repeat the same cycle again.
(so maybe the beast HASNT won. perhaps its just a stalemate?)
i fill the void between the battles, in tipcc server (https://discord.gg/tipcc)
cracking jokes.
trying to forget that im actually miserable on the inside.
putting on the façade
that i am happy
that i have joy.
in actual fact, most days i want to cry.
to stay in bed.
to just lay there, wishing for death to take me.
ngl - i got the cats, as a 'reason to not do something stupid for 10 years'
almost like a homeloan interest period
but i dont know
they were doing so well
until a cat from over yonder came into my yard
all of a suddent the cats forgot all their litter training.
and my stress levels rose.
and then, of course, there's the mortality clock, that i cant seem to turn off
the constant ticking...
'you know they're gonna die some day, right? what will u do then?'
id love to bring a girl home ( if i ever got the balls up to invite one back) but i cant, cos my house is a shitfight.
re: surgery - for 20 years ive been 'pretty much incapable' of doing the things
and now i can
i forget how
so that adds to the depression as well.
todays 'fk it, take yourself out' is in part to the having lost 160k sats on freebit (https://freebitco.in/?r=10434618)
i generally just let it sit, and earn the interest daily.
something told me to 'have a crack'
actually, it was likely the 3 or 4 people going on and on about gambling in the server over 3 days
drove me to have a go.
oh well.
its gone now.
such is life.
i need to keep in mind, that, on this entire journy, ive only ever put in $70 fiat
and, before scammo fk'd me over,we went to melbourne, and stayed in a 5star hotel, while waiting for stitch to arrive from florida.
fk that was a hectic day... if not for my fortitude, they'd have never met ( i paid the $1700 for her ticket over here)
also, whn she got stuck at customs, and sammo went into meltdown mode and just wanted to leave out of panic, i DEMANDED he go back, and 'do the thing'
fk i miss that guy
who knew 10 years of IRL friendship, was only worth 1.1 btc (2018 - $21k aud ((my funeral fund)))
so yeah ... there are many factors as to why im so sadge.
oooh, 500 words
