Exactly a year ago today, I went home from the doctor and cried my eyes out. I was diagnosed with End Stage Renal Disease and I would not believe it. I had to go see a specialist, a nephrologist in this case, but I was told the same thing. It devastated me when the doctor declared I needed to go on an immediate blood transfusion and an emergency procedure to insert a catheter to my chest for dialysis access. Hearing the words "DIALYSIS" scared me, it was as if I was sentenced to death. I can still remember how helpless, how bitter, angry, and miserable I felt that day. I started blaming myself for my predicament as I did not pay attention to my health, choosing to stuff my body with junk, smoking about 2 packs of Marlboro reds daily, partying and drinking til I pass out. The regrets started to surface. "I should have made better choices..." "I should have paid more attention to my body..." There was a lot of I-should-haves and a lot of What-ifs on my mind. I even questioned God's plan for me. Perhaps I deserved to be sick because I was such a bad person and this a punishment I had to bear for being a sinner? I lost my direction then. I became depressed and withdrawn. For a week I cried myself to sleep. I was pretty certain I was going to die then.
It was not easy having to go through all that. I was working at a call center as a technical support consultant then. Of course I had to go on an indefinite leave after being diagnosed. I wasn't sure if I could still go back to work with my condition then. Being depressed has a way of keeping you in a box, making yourself oblivious to those who actually care about you. My hubby Topher and my little ray of sunshine H, my daughter, saw me through those dark days. I am grateful that my family and friends never gave up on me. I realized that no matter how difficult my struggle was, I was never alone. Friends and family were always cheering me on. They gave me hope. They made me smile again. I was loved. Their encouragement helped me climb out of that pit I was wallowing in. God did not forsake me, He sent in His blessings and reinforcements in the form of the people around me. Sounds corny but yes, they made me realize that life is indeed beautiful.
I was able to muster enough encouragement from everyone to pick up the pieces and face the struggle. It was difficult as I was away from my mother and siblings, Toph had to work nights and H had to go to school during the day. I don't know how we even managed then. We've experienced being down to our last cent, having to sacrifice meals and other needs, humbling ourselves to ask for assistance from friends and family, waking up at 3AM to stand in line to get help from PCSO... H grew up with this reality, Toph and I are lucky she's such a brilliant daughter who understands our situation. She never made any demands for any of her wants, ate whatever was on the table, and did her best to help out in ways she can... Toph was always sleepless as he had to work, do all of the household chores and look after me and H... My mom and siblings, being away from me, were still burdened with my illness. They spent sleepless nights worrying about me, sold some prized possessions and sacrificed their needs to make ends meet just to sustain my medical expenses... And because expert medical care comes with a hefty price tag here in the Philippines, I experienced having skipped treatment schedules and certain medications which eventually resulted to me spending days at the hospital because of severe anemia, and being in life-threatening conditions. Amidst of all these difficulties, we've also experienced God's blessings through friends and family with generous hearts -- a testament that God provides. It was amazing seeing the Hand of the Lord at work. Everyone, even strangers, pooled in their resources to help me. Thinking about it just makes me break down in tears, I can never thank them enough. God bless their hearts. We are very grateful to those who's been with us since day one, those who had been praying for my well-being, and those who never judged, stood by us and never forgot to ask how we're doing. Every act of kindness means a lot to us and we greatly appreciate it.
So, here I am -- four years on dialysis. A lot has changed in my life and I'm happy to say that it's mostly for the good 😊. My family moved from Manila to Cagayan de Oro , we now live with my mom. H made new friends at her new school. Toph and I got ourselves home-based jobs and together, we provide for everyone in this household. And now that I can provide for my medical expenses, I made it a personal mission to pay it forward -- help others in need whenever I can. I just seems right as I'm here because of other people's generosity. You know, I used to complain a lot before but now, I just hustle. Sometimes you just need to push yourself a little further, work a little harder and just be thankful you still CAN do what you can and that you still HAVE a life! This version of me is definitely an upgrade! Better. Happier and contented. My struggle had help keep things in perspective. I have come to terms with my illness and made peace with it. I know that life is short and that we only live it once that's why I have a deep appreciation for it now. Every day that we wake up is indeed a miracle, that in itself is all the miracles I need in this world.
Sure, there are things I would rather do differently but there is no point dwelling on past mistakes, life is too short to spend on regretting. All I can say is, there are good days, and bad days. Sometimes, I get frustrated because of my limitations but I guess it's true that you always have a choice -- so far I've been choosing to just get up and do whatever I can while I still can. This year's goal is to share my blessings and help more people in any way I can, I have a soft spot for my fellow dialysis patients as I know of their struggle. Also, I'd like to spend more time making memories with H, time flies so fast and I'm always left in awe at how she has grown to be the little lady that she is right now. Praying for strength and more time here on earth.
Four years. Everything hurts a little more these days, but I promise you, I will keep on choosing life. I will keep fighting and keep hustling. One day at a time. Whatever struggle you're in right now, keep your chin up. Storms don't last forever. Trust me, it does get better 😊.
