My latest visit to the slum where I used to live was harder than I thought, but once I settled down and began my meditation to integrate the experience, I identified the needless drama I was in thanks in part to my sister's coughing fit. Since I was feeling so down, her action increased my anxiety for a while, so the first thing I did with the meditation was having a heart-to-heart talk with her (something that I encourage you do to with anyone with whom you may have trouble communicating.) I apologized for any indiscretions and transgressions I might have committed recently or in the past, and also forgave her for those she's committed against me, pleading for her to allow a gentler communication between us so we can work together for the good of the family. Then I reviewed the whole process of the day and understood how I absorbed the environmental energy and emotions of that place, which diminished my self-trust.
Later, I contacted a friend with whom I've done some important spiritual work in the past few weeks. He read me, gave me some insights about what I was feeling and then guided me through a breathing exercise to regain focus. I was feeling guilty and ashamed for not having enough money for the house, for not having a normal job and other random stuff, but he gave me the nudge I needed and I started letting that go in the deep, concrete knowledge that these are all just narratives and that my daily vibrational work is tremendously useful to my home, my family, my friends and even total strangers, regardless of whether the payoff is reflected in numbers of any kind. My trust increased and with it flowed the revelations.
First I confirmed a reflection that I've had many times, namely that the issue with a place like that slum and likely other so-called "low-income" areas in the world isn't really income, jobs or money in general. Poverty isn't a question of numbers, it's about self-perception and emotions. The people in that slum have money, they're just not very good at managing it or seeing the bigger picture, they're cloistered in a distorted vision of their human worth and they lack the tools to see beyond that, so they don't move, don't work for their dreams, don't feel like they deserve better, assume they're not good enough, etc. This concoction of self-deprecation turns into a sort of angry depression and the vicious cycle of poverty continues, passed down from the previous to the newer generations. And I know the lack of money isn't the cause of this because I've seen the same cycle in people born in social privilege who still feel like they don't do or have enough.
Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, I understood that this visit opened the way for a different relationship with that slum and my past. The following day I had a chat with my friend in Argentina and as I described to her all of what I felt and saw, a desire dawned on me: I have access to two places that are currently empty, my grandmother's apartment in Guarenas and that plot of land where dad used to live, and both of those places would be suitable for my service. I don't who built on the site of my first house or whether someone's claimed the place for themselves, nobody's living there at any rate, so I have to visit a few times to ask around and see if I can come to an agreement. For years I've been aware that my task involves working in areas where vibration's not sufficiently high, where fear and sorrow are strong, and these two places have that in common. By tending to them myself, I could also find the silence and solitude that I've been needing for a while.
As I write these words, the skies are clear and beautiful and fresh breeze flows through my room. I have no major concern in my life right now, the situation at home is moving fine and everything feels in place for me to consider this possibility more openly. Months ago, I didn't want anything to do with the slum, but after this experience my perspectives changed. I could carve my Runes there, set an altar for protection, listen to my music and do consultations of all sorts for the people there. I'm excited for the prospect and I never thought that possible!
