After a month of hassles and things that required more from me than I could offer, I’m finally back to pick up my pen, or in this case, my keyboard. I know there is really no excuse when it comes to this avoidance of writing; a thing that is buried deep within my soul and is something I love to do, to help myself unwind from everything this life throws at me. Still, every single time I manage to come up with one anyway, which is mostly me consoling myself and no one else at this point.
I’ve always said that I’m a person who runs away from things. It's a tendency I have within me which comes from the inferiority complex I have. Again, it's nothing more than an excuse I give to soothe my wounds every time I lose a battle, but it's all I have, really, as I don’t think I have all that much going on for me.
The word‘average’ seems like a middle name of mine at this point. I have never been ‘great’ at anything. “Jack of all trades, master of none”, is something that describes me best, and time after time it has been proven. And even though I don’t let this quality of mine bother me all that much, sometimes its aim is true, and thus, I bleed.
Words of wisdom such as “if you fail, try and try again” feel hilarious when this happens. Because all my life all I've been doing is trying, again and again, over and over, with no sight of accomplishments within miles. I know what I'm saying sounds stupid at best but, sometimes, just sometimes, a little bit of encouragement can go a long way. And even though I have great friends who have my back, working tirelessly as a cheerleader, it’s still not enough. What good does the line “You are amazing!” do when you got nothing to prove it?
And that is when my insecurities kick in. The thought of never being enough is something that even haunts me while I sleep. I have dreams about loved ones leaving me all the time. I have the blood of my friends in my hand while they die in front of me, and I see people finding better ones as I stand in the corner whenever I close my eyes. These are common dreams, I know, but they do leave a mark when you see them over and over, night after night.
So, I've got abandonment issues. What else is new? I know I'm a whiner and a crier when it comes to all this. This melodramatic trait of mine makes me stick to people like glue, all the while being terrified of them ripping me out as if they don’t have any right to do so. God knows how many people I’ve ghosted in my life by this point. I changed friends like the weather, so I shouldn’t really be out here whining about people leaving.
The main point of this is that the problems, lie within me. No matter how much I blame others and talk about my insecurities, I know that. It’s just me, with my issues and a thought process that keeps getting more scattered as the days pass. At this point, it's laughable to even wish to be someone better. Because I've been trying at it for years, and I haven’t seen any results.
I've already wasted many of my nights pandering about it. I don’t want to keep trying and failing every darn time, but it’s a cycle I cannot avoid, which in return, keeps me away from the things I love, like writing, playing video games mindlessly, or even painting. It’s come to a point that I've forgotten the feeling of having paint all over my fingers. And the funny thing is, to get back all that I’ve lost, I’ll need to try again, with a note that success has never been my friend.
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