I wear many hats: mother, wife, actress, writer, blogger, and newbie to crypto/blockchain. This post will focus on my life as an actress, and, as the title suggests, “FUD”.
I recently learned that FUD is an acronym for Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt; a disinformation strategy used intentionally to cast a shadow of doubt over a competitor’s product. Previously, I thought that FUD was a replacement for the particular swear word used in WTF, like how I ended up saying, “oh for fffudge’s sake!” in front of my kids (not that it’s any better, but you get it). It was quite a revelation to learn that it actually stood for something, and now that I know what it means, I can honestly say that FUD can be found everywhere, particularly in my chosen Acting career. Well, maybe not as a strategy to put your competitor at a disadvantage, but rather that these are three very familiar emotions that actors constantly live with.
I was one of those students that had to get a part time job whilst studying at performing arts school. I was quite fortunate that back in my day, the government was still awarding grants to people like me, giving me the opportunity to attend this type of school, otherwise there was no way that my parents would’ve been able to afford it. After graduating, the auditions came inconsistently, and I slowly learned that the road to success wasn’t actually a road, it was more like a bunch of swings and roundabouts.
I had the choice of either living off my parents indefinitely, or finding a flatshare in London and getting a day job. I chose the latter. Unless you come from a wealthy family who are happy to pay for your living costs, or you have a trust fund, or you’re fortunate enough to get your big break which leads you to becoming a very sought after actor, you’re faced with some pretty tough decisions to make. FUD.
Like most adults, there’s rent, bills, and other living costs to pay for, but with the addoptional pressure of taking care of your appearance, as, after all, you are the product that you’re trying to sell. So you need a day job, but not just any job; it has to be flexible in case you suddenly get called in for an audition at short notice! A ‘normal’ job wouldn’t put up with last minute days off or extended lunch breaks, it just wouldn’t work out. The only jobs left to apply for are low paying, or soul destroying, or both. I’ve tried so many types of day jobs, sometimes more than one at a time, just so I could make rent while chasing the dream. After many years in the industry, I’m certain that the perfect day job doesn’t exist.
Ah yes, the dream!
You get a call from your agent (who, by the way, you’re lucky to even have), saying that you have a casting! “Yay!” For a sofa commercial. “Ummm, yay?” And you could earn a couple of thousand pounds for one day’s work. “I’ll do it.” So you wait ages to get an audition for something, and it ends up being for a sofa commercial, but you still kinda want to get it because it’ll mean that you can pay the bills (and maybe ease off that day job you hate), and it could be worse. But when you get to the audition, you suddenly realise that the room is filled with other actresses who look just like you, and the FUD kicks in, because all of a sudden you realise that you are not so unique, and that you need this job that you hate, but not as much as you hate your day job, so you’ll do whatever they ask you to do. “Jump on the sofa ecstatically for a few minutes, like you’ve won the lottery” then, “caress the sofa lovingly, stroke it, but not in a sexual way.” Real examples from two different sofa commercial castings, but you get the gist. No one leaves drama school thinking, “I can’t wait to go to all those commercial castings when I get out there!” But the reality is that the majority of castings you get selected for are the commercial kind, even your agent wants you to get a few of those in the bag for the tasty commission. When you do get lucky enough to finally get seen for those all important film/tv/play auditions, it’s a relief to not have to go through the cattle call process that comes with most commercial castings, unless it’s for “Hollyoaks” (for those of you not from the UK, “Hollyoaks” is a tv soap). However, this is when the FUD can really mess with you, even destroy your chances, if you don’t keep that shit in check. I know this all too well, unfortunately. And when you fuck up one audition, you potentially fuck things up for many future ones, because that particular casting director (the gatekeeper to all that is good) might think twice before inviting you back in for another role he/she is casting.
Finally. You did it! You’ve been offered a leading role in a new television series, and you’re feeling like you’re on top of the world. And, you know what else? You can hand your notice in to that day job. Oh happy day! Life couldn’t be better at this point. You say your goodbyes, and when you actually start work on the new job, you begin to feel like an actress. “I’ve arrived!” The job is scheduled to film over the next two months, which is plenty of time for other new opportunities to come along, and besides, you’ll make enough money off this job to last you a few months - more than enough time for the offers to start rolling in, especially when they see this role on your resume. But as time goes by and the money starts to dwindle, not to mention that you were SUPPOSED to put some aside for your tax bill, the FUD begins to creep in again. “Where are the auditions? Where are all the offers? Ah shit, I'm living off my credit card again.” Before you know it, you’re on the hunt for another day job. I’ve lived through this scenario several times in my career, each time thinking that this could be my big break, and each time realising that it wasn’t… Like I said, swings and roundabouts.
I joked in my previous post about my “already flailing acting career” which has, in all honesty, taken a nosedive since becoming a mother, but that’s an entirely different topic to write about. I love my children and will always put them first above anything else, so it was my choice to put my career on the back burner, and I don’t regret it. I did what I had to do in order to provide for my children too, so unfortunately, the day job became the only job for a while, but I was ok with that because of who I was doing it for. However, with an almost dead career, I still feel a tiny bit of hope, like I can still hear a faint heartbeat, “She’s still alive, I tell you, ALIVE!” Perhaps I’m in denial, but I’m not ready to give up yet.
As for the FUD. I know it’ll always be there lurking in the wings, but it doesn’t get to me as much now. I suppose it’s because as a parent, you have other things to prioritise, and the things you become fearful about are those that affect your children; fear that you won't be able to provide for all their needs, uncertainty about being a good parent, doubt about each and every choice that you make, the list is long. So when it comes to FUD in my acting career. Well, it can go fudge itself!
(Top image from Pexe.)
