G'day Steemteem,
So, my ex is hanging out with a guy she is just friends with but that she kind of likes, because she kind of likes, and I don't have any negative thoughts about any of it or him, in my thoughts my concern ends at her being safe and happy, the same concern I have for anyone else
But then there are the parts of me that are not thoughts, last night I had the worst mental episode I have had in a long time, internally at least, I did not express any of it, which is an improvement from my screaming days a decade ago.
It was late, and I wanted to go get food, no big deal except I would have to cook so if they were asleep it would be a bother, they were asleep, and worse in the loungeroom (open area to the kitchen), no way to cook and not wake them up, and it was late, so simple enough, not like I'm starving, just hungry from my medication, no need to wake anyone up... Simple.
Well I thought it was simple, I get back in my room, shut my door and start having a panic attack, anxiety worse than public speaking plus being on the phone while in a crowded elevator, okay, do your breathing, you've got this Drak, nope, the voices started, I could hear them talking about me and laughing, but by what they were saying, joking that I wasn't even strong enough to cook myself food in my own house, I recognized that it was in my head, I mean I checked that they were asleep a few times and checked the sound level in my room on two microphones to be sure, so I was still deep into paranoia, but I had an okay handle on it.
Apart from the letting my paranoia make me check, I handled the situation better than I ever had, I do not know exactly what set it off, I really don't have a negative thought towards either of them, regrets with my ex sure, but no hate, I think it could be that when she got emotional she threatened the roof over my head, I have been homeless a few times, mostly when something like last night happens but I let it control me and start screaming nonsense, so it is a fear of mine.
This guy reminds me of me years ago, which made me look at myself and how I have changed. I saw mostly improvements, so I guess my confidence is increasing a little bit.
Thank you for letting me get this out somewhere.
-Drakahn
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