I grew up hearing from people at church how to behave. Like treat others how you want to be treated, and so on. It’s too bad that “and so on” slogged on for miles of dogma. For example it was said that a woman’s highest honor, joy, and fulfillment was staying home to raise a family. This was according to god’s plan. You wouldn’t want to subvert god’s plan now would you? Of course not.

So I skipped college to marry, and soon gave birth to a daughter. I loved her fiercely. I loved her so fiercely I became incensed that anyone - including any belief system - should tell her who she is. Or what she should do with her precious life. Those first few weeks after giving birth were my first staggering “moments” of realization.

There I was, nineteen years old with a high school diploma and needy infant. My husband was in the same ditch, working handyman jobs when he could find them. I had scads of bible verses memorized. Yet we were vulnerable with no health insurance, no safety net, and living in poverty. What about our own lives? More “moments” of realization ensued.

Why had I been so lazy by allowing OTHER PEOPLE to define me? What gall do they have to define god? Some things they say sound nice and desirable, but why are these ideals not working in real life? What really makes a good parent? Being present or being happy? What truly makes a person good? Attending church? Or caring for others?

Long story short, it was because of those many “moments” we made tough changes. My husband and I alternated child care. We juggled jobs with college courses (and hard knocks) to improve our lot. Our kids grew up more open-minded than we did. They learned that curiosity about the world is its own reward; that formal education might give them more choices. And they are lovely, kind people who see beyond the superficial - the type of people everyone wants to be around.

I am grateful for that first “moment.” Question everything. It doesn’t mean you must discard everything. Like the poet Mary Oliver asks: “…Tell me, what is is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”