š¶ Donut Masterā¢ Animal Policy
āNo Dogs Allowed ā For Their Safety, Not Yours.ā
Here at Donut Masterā¢, we take your safety, soul integrity, and post-mortem navigational options very seriously. That's why we maintain a strict no-dogs policy across all locations ā including guide dogs, service animals, familiars, spectral hounds, or anomalous canine companions of any designation.
The answer is simple:
Dogs can smell the gates of Hell.
Multiple independent metaphysical audits have confirmed that canines possess an instinctive aversion to infernal deception. Historical precedent (see Simpson v. The Afterlife, c. 1962) demonstrates that even the most well-trained dogs will refuse to enter a structure that disguises a downward spiritual vector.
To quote our Founding Franchisee (identity classified under Pact-27B):
āYou let a dog through the door, and suddenly the whole jig is up. Next thing you know, customers are asking questions. Dead giveaways. Canāt have that.ā
We respect all customers, regardless of metaphysical or visual orientation. However, all patrons requiring guidance or assistance are provided with a certified Donut Masterā¢ Wayfinder, trained in:
You may request a Wayfinder by whispering your Order Number + Blood Type at any service counter.
All Donut Masterā¢ policies are in accordance with Infernal Compliance Mandate 666-A, Section 3, Paragraph 9:
āNo entity bearing the scent of loyalty, innocence, or unconditional love may be permitted entry unless muzzled, warded, or declared spiritually compromised.ā
We understand this may be disappointing. However, it is in your best interest. One customer ignored this warning.
They are now stuck in a loop of eternal brunch.
No refund.
If your dog speaks, casts shadows independently, or has recently come back from the dead, please contact your local Occult Health Officer before visiting.
š¾ We love dogs. They love you. Thatās the problem.
Letās keep them out of this.
Donut Masterā¢
āHere, loyalty gets you punished.ā
