Norfolk Beer vs Grizzly Bear - An Introduction To Communicating W...

Transcript:

Thank you for buying this tape!

An Introduction to communicating with a Norfolk accent, outside Norfolk.

However, as you are from Norfolk, this is probably an illegal copy, or was reduced in the January sales

Why do you find yourself outside the county of Norfolk?

Perhaps you got lost on the A11, found yourself on the M11, and have been driving ever since as sheer panic took a hold. Or perhaps you have had to leave Norfolk for reasons beyond your control.

Either way, this tape will help you cope, in situations outside of Norfolk.

Scenario one:

You have received an invitation to a wedding in Manchester. Although you dislike the couple immensely, your wife does like them, or at least, she says she does, but you sense this is just an excuse for her to go out and buy yet another dress.

Anyhoo, this is besides the point, you're both going and that's that!

Unfortunately, you will have to communicate with northern people, there is no way around this.

You could pretend to be deaf and mute but, your wife won't let you, as you attempted to do that when you first met her parents.

There are several embarrassing scenarios that could occur.

Scenario one:

You have found yourself in a northern pub, and you require refreshments.

Barman "Ello mate, what can I get yer"?

Norfolk boy "Hello, can I have a bear please?

Barman "I'm sorry sir, what was that"?

Norfolk boy "I'd like a bear, please."

Barman "A bear? You could try Chester Zoo, they might live there.", "If not try a circus, ha ha ha."

Norfolk boy "No, no, I don't want a bear, I want a bear."

Stop! It is impossible for Norfolk people to distinguish between the words beer and bear. Try saying "beer" and then "bear."

Norfolk boy "Bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear."

Stop! This isn't working. Let's try an exercise.

Try saying "my grizzly bear is drunk on beer, my grizzly bear is drunk on beer."

Norfolk boy "My grizzly bear is drunk on bear, my grizzly bear is drunk on bear, my grizzly bear is drunk on bear."

No! Stop! Try one more time. Really, really try this time.

Norfolk boy "My grizzly bear is drunk on bear."

Let's move on, instead of ordering a beer, let's try a coke. Try saying this, "Can I have a coke please?"

Norfolk boy "Can I have a coak please?"

Stop! Try saying it again and again.

"Coke, coke, coke, coke."

Norfolk boy "Coak, coak, coak, coak."

Stop! Let's move on and try another scenario.

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, I hit a deer"

Norfolk boy "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, I hit a dear."

Try again.

Norfolk boy "Oh dear, oh dear oh, dear, I hit a dear."

Stop! Let's try a roleplay.

You are staying in another county with friends that are not from Norfolk. Yes! I realize that this is unlikely but, let's stick with it. They have asked you to go to the supermarket and bring back some food.

What do you do?

Norfolk boy "I head straight to the reduced section and buy just about everything that has reduced sticker on it."

No!

Norfolk boy "Not even the reduced coke and the reduced bear?" "They're only dented tins."

No! They will not appreciate the savings you are making. You are not in Norfolk now. If you are in Guildford they could shoot you for doing this.

Let's move on to another scenario:

As you are driving through the Surrey countryside, you see a very old lawnmower with a sign saying free to a good home what do you do?

Norfolk boy "I'd do a handbrake turn drive up to where that lawnmower is, wait until my heart stops beating so hard with the shared joy and exhilaration of finding suffern' that's free, even if it's shit, and I put it in the back of my car."

No! You are a gardener, and you already own 6 lawnmowers.

Norfolk boy "But that in't the point that lawnmower is free."

Stop! Stop! Stop! Being Norfolk!

Norfolk boy "OK, OK, I ignore the lawnmower, and drive on complaining about everything and trying to pick up radio Norfolk on my car radio."

Good! At last we're making progress.

Norfolk boy "No, no, cos, because I'm trying to get the radio reception for Radio Norfolk, I swerved to avoid hitting a dear and I get a flat tire and I go oh dear, then I ring up my wife and say dear, oh dear, I hit a dear, dear."