When I was almost 4 years old my mother died of melanoma. She had 6 children ranging from just turned 2 to 13 years old. I only have two memories of her. One I was visiting her in the hospital, which I remember as all white. I recall I had a pretty dress on and wanted to show her either flowers or an Easter basket. The second is someone coming to the door of our house and being shy hiding behind her I know it was her, but in the memory only remember the green polyester pants.
Kindergarten class I recall the teacher sitting at the piano. All the students were sitting on the floor. She said my name and asked how my mother was. There was another student with the same first name, although apparently, I thought she was talking to me. I piped up "she's dead". 30 some kindergartners looked at me mortified. If I was shy before...well I certainly stopped talking for 4 years in school after that!
Elementary school always brought Mother's day art projects. There was a slight sense of sadness that I didn't have a mother to give the handmade gift to, but my teachers simply encouraged me to give it to my father. I never really missed her because I hadn't really known having a mother. And life with 5 other siblings meant lots was always going on.
As I got older, I worried I wouldn't live as long as she did (age 34) well, that deadline has long since come and gone. I gave my kids everything I felt I might have missed by not having a mother. I do have a wonderfully close relationship with my kids. To me mother's day, I honor them, as they made me be the mother I am today
Picture of me about a year after my mother passed.
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