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I never had a cheerleader. Sometimes I have scary thoughts when I wake up. I sat on the side of the bed, closing my eyes against the dark, wondering what sparked this random thought.
It's never truly random.
I'm still learning to pay attention. My mind produce interesting summaries of what happens in my life. For a moment the cheerleader thought connected to the lonely feeling I get when trying to do things but I know it runs deeper.
I remember in my schooldays I once decided to join the running team. The ones that did long distance. The shortest distances we practiced for were 800m. I never aimed at doing marathons but I thought about doing some shorter distances.
I went to regular practice while what I experienced as normal life unfolded. I never noticed. The whole time I practiced, no one wondered how things were going. If I didn't talk about an upcoming event, my parents would never have known. No one asked. I saw it as normal.
Mild surprise when they showed up.
Once in a later conversation it came up that they were there there to support me. Whether I did well or not never came into any discussion. It followed the normal pattern of my life.
Conversations with my parents were disinterest in my existence punctuated by conversations about what I should have done, must do or did not do. Many times about things I never completed. Never about what I am planning, doing, achieved or struggled with.
I had very very few friends and no one cheering me on. A normal life to me.
I never missed it and never knew its real impact. I felt something missing in my life. I couldn't put my finger on it.
I built a life believing I could do everything by myself.
Then I woke up with one thought. I never had a cheerleader.
It all comes down to me patterning my life after what I grew up with. I struggled for most of a month with no one taking any interest in what I am attempting. No support from anywhere. Then my communications got strangled when my usual internet were shut down.
I started searching for just one person who would even vaguely wonder what I am doing. Someone who could say, just maybe you'll make it.
I never had a cheerleader.
Being me I had to find à solution. I knew what I missed. I didn't know how to get someone interested in cheering me on.
The réalisation that the problem my really is me came slowly. No matter why I pull away from people, the indifference I show the people around me reflects in their behavior toward me. A big pill to swallow.
The empath in me fears painful attachment. The programmed behavior I carry made a lack of interest in others normal.
It's complicated.
There is only one solution. Be very brave. Very very brave. Take an interest in in the people around you. Ask about their lives.
If I want anyone to take an interest in me, I should do the same for them.
Am I on the right track?
Time will tell.
Thank you for reading my post.
I appreciate your support.
