Normally, I'm a hater. Now I'm just being human. True story. I used to judge my friends who were into Dating apps. Now come quarantine, here I am, actually trying these apps that used to make me cringe back in the day. I just judge straight away what the personalities of these men are like based on the pictures and limited info I have. And of course, I am pretty shallow, I look at their physical qualities too. And then I click next. And then next. And next again. I can't even continue a conversation without uttering meh. I haven't actually met anyone in person yet because most of these people are just looking for hookups. Like of course, what am I thinking? It's like looking for gold in a cesspool to be honest. Most are predatory and even scary. I'm actually about to say that I am living with my big brothers, one who is an ex-con, and one who is a most-wanted psycho killer who went into hiding (I am just referring to Diablo).
I mean what can I do? Apparently, I can't travel or go on a tour with my clients. Or attend some eat-pray-love spiritual activity or a meaningful hobby class or something. Or even fly to my city and just live there. Aside from the fact that these things cost money, our movements are still limited these days. Even though our community lockdown has already been lifted despite the rising COVID-19 positive cases, enjoyable social stuff is still pretty much restricted. For the obvious reasons. Those activities where I can actually meet like-minded people are not possible at this moment.
But you know, the need to connect has always been here. So, I guess I'll just rant until I feel better. I 'll get these thoughts out of my brain before they take over the rest of my day.
Sure, online dating can be enjoyable, at some point, but it's actually a struggle trying to put myself out there. I just realized how dating can be hard. There seems to be more disappointment than enjoyment for me. All because I seem to have high expectations. And I usually find people, where I am, who are way out of my league.
You might be thinking, who am I right? I should probably lower my standards. But I just can't because I know based on life experiences that it will only lead to a disaster. That is for sure. Given my personality, I prefer to be with people who won't feel insecure when they are around me. Or who won't punish me for simply being Me. Or who won't go out of their way to seek and destroy me - oh my Gawd, is this even too much to ask? But finding these people here on the island seems to be a challenge.
Please don't judge y'all self-proclaimed gurus and experts on self-love, I just know what you are about to preach, like how I should focus on my Self and that love will find me when I start doing what I love. The right time, the right place, and all that jazz. And that I should find my inner happiness. A loud ha ha ha. Because that is just predictable. Can you all forget about what your self-help books say and just be human for one sec?
It's the pandemic duh. It's preventing me from actually doing what I love out there. And it's not always about finding the one, it's just about finding "my people". You know, people you have something in common with. People you can be with yourself with. People you can hang out with. People who are genuinely kind and don't have ulterior motives. People you can actually call friends. Those who can make your life a little bit better.
The problem is that I am stuck. Stuck here on the island where the chance of meeting "my people" is rare. And stuck in the reality of this pandemic for an unknown amount of time where the chance of meeting new people "while doing what you love" is pretty slim to none.
I know it's okay to rant about this because I am not the only one here craving some adult conversation (cats don't count). It is hard to admit you're lacking some meaningful connection in life especially if you have deluded your self into believing that all you need is self-love. We've all been deluded by the society at some point. The truth is, we are social creatures. Human beings who need other human beings to live. Oh how we need another soul who will understand and care for us. And possibly even love us.
previously, previously, previously,
