You are not your job
I think the worst day was not yesterday but today. I can't seem to manage myself to get to the acceptance stage, yet. I'm just full of doubt, anger, self-pity, and sadness. I'm actually crying right now writing this... whew, anyway. I just began to question my ability to make rational decisions and choices. This is what happens when I've finally immersed myself in the reality, I start blaming myself.
I've been nonstop communicating with a few friends in real life and so far they have been very supportive. I can't honestly live this life without them (you know who you guys are). They never failed to be good friends, it was actually I who failed to reach out to them during those critical moments. I sure can do brilliant things and I'm really passionate about my work - that I even proved this to the very end. But I'm also aware that I am super flawed and a hot mess in many ways. This is exactly why I have friends. It is our responsibility as friends to correct or prevent someone from going astray. They are not just my good-time friends. They are the ones who tell me to stop and have some damage control (because they know deep down that I cannot do so on my own - factor in the past and a lot of traumas here). So during those moments when I had to act and make some critical decisions at work - I failed to consult them like I always did. I figured that I was ashamed to tell them that I was putting my job at risk or that I may lose it in the process. I was ashamed to tell them that I was being myself and trusted my own judgment. Hence, here I am. Back to how I was 10 months ago. Free, crazy, and unemployed. The future started to dim and I lost my newfound purpose somehow. I honestly don't want to wake up today.
What two of my best friends told me was the inconvenient truth about myself. My utter lack of tolerance for those who push me to my limits until I finally break. My lack of self-control and grace under pressure. So I guess I don't have that stoic quality after all. I knew they were counting on me that I could make it. They believed in me. A lot of people were expecting me to stay in this job and prove that I can manage to bear through it all and rise above the circumstances. But now, I felt like I've failed them and you. Myself too. What a failure I am. I told my friend a few hours ago that I thought I have what it takes. But I just don't have the traits of a successful person, like being able to see beyond the moment, practice self-control and patience. I remember some guy on Twitter tweet about how come there are a lot of smart and skilled people out there who are still not rich to this day? Well, some comments hit home, those people probably lack social skills, the right attitude, or are probably suffering from mental illnesses or something. I might even be all of these.
I know I could have controlled some of the things. I could have just killed my inner self and stayed quiet. They always tell you to be yourself, but what if that SELF is not really likable. And some things have to change. Maybe I finally need some divine intervention because apparently, I'm completely powerless to do everything on my own. It becomes easier to just degenerate into hell and forget about who I am.
Then my friend reminded me, "let me chronicle the things you forget. Remember this is not your endgame. This job was just your sidequest. Don't make it the entire journey. Money was just the motivation."
He said "This job was just your sidequest and yet you took it very seriously. You did your best and showed your brilliance enough to become a threat. " And I became the target. So I fought this battle and lost. Outnumbered.
It is true. I was just supposed to treat this job just as "a means to an end" and yet I took everything seriously and wanted to be the best. I don't know why, I guess whatever kind of job you give me, I'll try to be the best at it. I'll put my heart and soul into it. It does not even matter if it's waiting tables or querying large volumes of data, I'll still make sure I'm the best. I can't do half-assed work for some reason I feel like I'm betraying myself. This is probably the downfall of a perfectionist, someone who holds everything to a high standard. When things didn't go my way, when things are not good enough, I'll just simply crawl back into my cave and waste away. It's all or nothing for me.
And finally, he said, "It's time to go back to your passion".
Four years now here huh? Do you still guys remember what I was doing before? I used to own an online travel agency. I have my own website which I developed myself. I used to do everything. I take people on tours and nice beaches. We scuba dive and bathe in the emerald waters. At night, I take my guests out, party, or just talk about life in general. Sure there were difficult people too but surprisingly, I'm able to manage myself with them, this is my own business anyway. In a nutshell, I was living my life on my own terms. I was making money on my own. 3rd year, I can almost taste the fruits of my hard work, increasing sales and all, and then COVID came.
I know this is all just a phase in my life, a test. I need to get my joy back. My spirit. I take comfort in the fact that there's something remaining that I would willing to control myself for, change my attitude for, and go all-in for. I just got distracted by this temporary chaos and have completely forgotten about who I was, what I am really passionate about, and what I really live for. One thing that I worked very hard for on my own and I will forever be proud of.
Remembering that "invincible summer" in me.