If you've been wondering why I don't write or post so much these days, it's because I don't have that many positive things to share with y'all. Given my diabolical "condition" (see previous post), my mind only has this consistent dark outlook, which I'm trying hard to change by the way (by focusing on cute little evil things around me such as my cat... ). I mean who wants to read so much misery in a day? The news is bad enough. And I'm too ashamed to post my everyday darkness in the midst of all the appetizing food pics, beautiful places, and sunshiny moments you guys have here. My therapist told me to just keep a journal, and so there I write and share all my diabolical thoughts without a shame. Yeah, I'm paying her to read and deal with that shit...
Excuse the blood... remember I tend to make things more dramatic and borderline interesting.
When my mind starts to bully me, I write what my demons are saying... It's all in your head.
Gosh thanks to my job (oh I still work surprisingly!). My company only covers $20 of the therapy fees in a month lol while our gov says it's okay to be mentally insane. The more crazies out there the merrier. :)
I figure it'd be worse to be a borderline hobo that's why I'm keeping my job. To be borderline rich is way better imho. You got it all (food, aesthetic, cryptos and all ) but you fail miserably in one aspect of life. Or would you rather be poor, sane, ugly, yet so very happy? Ask my crazy islanders.
Because of all the chaos, hurt and pain that I've caused to humanity recently, and all the chaos, hurt and pain that they've caused me too, I've decided to recreate my "island life" without leaving my current life. If you guys remember, I've been isolated for years on that island working on my little biz. But that biz is not generating income at the mo due to my lack of energy and motivation. Unfortunately, I can only focus on my job right now so I'm looking for someone to take over. But anyway, when I say I want to recreate my "island life" it means I want to isolate again (ding ding I know it's bad), for good, to take a step back and bring back my misanthropic nature (for the good of mankind tho). To focus on my new goals without distractions. Without all the bane of my existence. They kick me when I'm down and withdraw their affection as soon as they know I'm absolutely diabolical. But damn, who knows, maybe this is just me "splitting" again right now. I can only think in "Black" terms. Comfort in blackness. But anyway, let me forget humanity for a while and leave my life without taking my life. Relive the island life without leaving my city life. I want to focus on my goals instead of deliberately harming/punishing myself for people who obviously don't give a fuck if I live or die. I need some damage control and not let myself completely degenerate into hell. I remember that I was able to accomplish great things when I'm in solitude. I was able to unleash my creativity and do nice things. Lonely at times, yes, but people making me feel lonely is the worst and even almost killed me.
I know I'm going against what my therapist says - not to socially isolate. But apparently the alternative is much more harsh. I was recently taken to the hospital due to self-harm. I wanted to end this mental anguish and suffering so badly. When will I ever learn, it always always destroys me when I start depending my happiness on people. I want to bring back the old me. That strong, diabolical, able to accomplish great things Me.
I will try to limit my human interactions and just focus on very few people that matter (my sister, my therapist, my friend) to be able to accomplish my new goals (build a tiny home, travel/move and get out of this country - fast enough before the darkness swallows me whole). This new purpose in life is my only way to live. The last of me. My remaining hope. I cannot absolutely be distracted anymore while on the road to these goals. Because deep down, I still want to live.
Awww but who will take care of this little guy? The most evil of all. :(