There are not many people here on Hive I can very much relate to, I just realized you are one of the most authentic persons here, also @raymondspeaks, omg you should read this..

I feel like I am reading my own thoughts? I know so well what you wrote here and how much experiences and people can change you...

Still you are fortunate to have someone beside you, an actual person, as for me, I just have a cat lol. As I deal with my grief in isolation.

I tried going out there, and joining activities or hobby groups, there's this looming anxiety that I will get picked on again by other women.. or be the object of hate, lust, and jealousy. See, Ive had it.

And I feel safe alone now.

I worry now at my new job that I wont be agreeable or I will get stressed and be too honest with colleagues out of frustration. I dont trust myself too. And being constantly on guard can cost me my job. This is what Im worried about. Someone like me find it hard to function in the real world.

It is really hard to be myself. I wish I can pretend to be normal.