I think I'm all out of spoons today.
I've read about this person trying to explain an illness to someone using the "spoon analogy". Spoons are like their "mana" or energy resource. Basically, people with chronic illnesses don't have all the energy to spend in a day, so if they want to prolong their lives, they need to be constantly mindful of their choices, even the most mundane things, from preparing meals to driving to work. Most healthy people take their "number of spoons" for granted but looking at how those with autoimmune diseases live their day to day lives with a limited number of spoons can help put things in perspective. We have to be grateful that we don't have to think about every little thing we need to do - this must be exhausting! Some things are meant to be automated. And some things require deep thinking.
I am not physically sick but I can see this massive change in me. The spoon analogy resonated with me. When I was younger, I felt like I have unlimited number of spoons to start with, life offers me all these possibilities. I was always ready to try anything new. Any new experiences to make me feel alive. But as I get older, I feel like my energy is getting depleted. Is it because I've seen through it all, or most of it? That trying something new would require me "a number of spoons" so now I end up not trying anymore? I prefer to save my precious spoons for other things or mostly harmless people. Things that wouldn't make me even madder or worse, kill me inside. You know, like love?
Before, I was ready to face any difficult choices. I was ready for all the risks that come with adventures. Then along the way, I got beaten up by the consequences of my freedom, people hurt me, things got worse, I lost things, heart got broken, I lost people... now I feel depleted. I learned.
Keeping my mental health in check seems like a hard work now. I am aware that if I've used up all my spoons for the day, I would feel dark, beaten, tired...I will probably lash out, worse if someone is there to receive it. So I guess, I don't have "all that freedom" anymore. I am not really free. I have to be mindful of each and every choice to stay sane in this absurd world.
I probably have 10 spoons a day. 1 spoon for dragging myself out of bed, 1 spoon for preparing meal, 1 spoon for taking a shower, 1 spoon for going to work, 2 to 3 spoons when doing actual work that require "brain power", 1 spoon for social interaction / small talk (talking to people who are not friends depletes my energy big time!) and 1 spoon for going home. And oh, writing this blog requires 1 spoon too.
And then I have 1 spoon reserve - because you'll never know... I think one should have one spoon reserved for unexpected things that require effort and mental energy.
I cannot imagine having someone in my life who will deplete all my spoons that I will have nothing left for myself or that I won't be able to do things. This is the reason I am very careful of letting people into my life. Emotional vampires and toxic people have the power to use up all my spoons so I avoid them at all costs for peace of mind. Mental energy is oh so precious these days.
But you know what I need? I think I need people who will help replenish my spoons rather than deplete them, like talking to you gives me more energy or something. This is what I need, people who will lift me up and inspire me. And if they don't exist at this moment, yet, I will just continue working with what I got and give only what I can give.
1 spoon to go.