Next week will be my 5th year Hive anniversary and yet I feel like losing the motivation to write. It's not Hive it's me. I don't really care so much to post and earn these days, I just write for the sake of writing. I guess I lost my blogging mojo or something. It is hard to find the right mood to share about my life these days.
To be honest, there's really nothing much going on in my life right now. I work, eat, sleep, repeat. And of course, more alone than ever. There's a lot going on in my head though and I think I should be discarding those counterproductive thoughts through writing. Deep down, I don't want to express my real thoughts and feelings for the fear of judgment. Well, of course I care. I know people in this community would rather read about hobbies, puppies, and rainbows. But life is just not like that. If you expect these things from me all the time then this community is nothing but another social media platform full of lies and glorified lives. I have the need to vent and if only I can turn the comments off so I can focus on writing for Myself then this would be great. This is like a space for me too.
Thoughts of my best friend haunt me to this day and my grief will never go away. There's not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I miss him everyday and if only I could trade a moment of pain for a chance to talk to him. Can you imagine losing someone very close to you and not having the chance to make things right and say goodbye? No redemption, no forgiveness. I'm a tortured soul.
He was my soulmate. My friend had been a big part of my life even though he was in the city and I'm living on an island during his last days. But being able to talk to him 24/7 made my self-imposed isolation more bearable. But just like any other normal human beings, we argued too. Simply because our friendship is not based on lies and pretense. It is hard to find a friend like that where I am. It is hard to start over especially at my age when I have low tolerance for BS and shallowness. Just when I was about to reach out to him, he passed away. This is why, never ever hold grudges and prolong bad stuff, appreciate and spend time with the ones you love so while you can.
This end of the month I will be visiting my friends and relatives in the city and I dread remembering the precious memories with my best friend. It hurts me. He used to be the only reason I look forward to being in the city. But now I guess I have to face the fact that we are not going to meet anymore. But there are still people waiting for me there and I should not forget that they are still alive.
Perhaps part of me losing the will to write is because the person who always cheered and encouraged me is gone. There's nobody like him. He wants to me to go out and meet new people but my social anxiety is getting severe. I just want to retreat and escape the situation whenever I make an attempt to go out. I know my friend wants me to move forward and see the good in life. I cannot live this way. Eventually I have to find a way to heal and feel alive again.
I'm trying my best to take care of my mental health. I eat healthy, exercise, and sleep well. Then lately I start listening to metal music again after many years of taking a break from it. Going back to my roots! Loud and angry music makes me feel good.
There really is no way out of this mind and I feel like I just can't wait to see my friend again. . . I do hope when I get to the city I will start to feel better a bit.
For you all...