Here's the thing, we'll gonna lose friends as we get older - it sucks but it is true! Sorry to open this blog with the truth. The whole time I was scared to admit this, it's like admitting that I am a loser or that there's something wrong with me. Well, Diablo here says that I am perfectly fine and that I am still a sane cat mum, awww. Too sweet for him to say even though he is just going to eat me someday... But anyway, the point is, I've accepted the reality. After traveling, I felt like I've outgrown most people. I've changed and life has never been the same. It must be the blue pill. Other than that, I lost friends to marriage, lifestyle choice, political view (as stupid as it may seem), social media, etcetera. The more I grow, the more I realize that I have few real friends left (maybe this is all that we need). What's even more sad is that they are not even where I am right now so I don't get to see them more often.
Another harsh reality that comes with getting old (because it is my birthday next month it makes sense to feel this way) is that it is even harder to make new friends. I don't even go out of my way anymore after numerous disappointed attempts. Either I am too complex or I just have way too high standards and expectations. I just can't set the bar low for friendships - this will end up in disappointment as well.
Separation is even more brutal I must say. I just had a fight with a friend the other day and hurtful worlds were exchanged between us. Hurt people hurt people. Insecurity, ego, expectation, disrespect - you name it. These are what ruin a good relationship. Our on and off friendship took its toll on me and has become toxic. We are way too different. This ex bff is too emotional and negative for me. I never had a man he liked, everyone was wrong for me. He always has something negative to say whenever I want to start something new in my life. He has become way too consumeristic and superficial too. I tried to accept him as he is until it is somehow already affecting my daily choices and decisions. I am leaning towards a peaceful and simple life. And I think we are not on the same page anymore. Years have passed and we've become different. I try to improve myself but I've also learned to accept my physical and mental flaws. I want to improve but I don't want to be changed. This strive for perfection sucks. I no longer want to be his source for validation nor be the projection of his own insecurities. This has to end.
But without my friend to chat with everyday, I feel utterly alone. Yet safe. I tend to find an immediate human replacement. This has always been the case during the course of our on and off friendship. The human replacement / rebound friendship is not good and usually ends up in a disaster. And now, just so I don't go back to the toxic cycle, I need to find alternatives. And I prefer things!
I am starting to think of things that I can do - a new craft, hobby, art that I can focus on from now on so that I don't have to rely on nasty human beings for happiness again ugh. Gawd, I should have known this already given my misanthropic nature. But anyway, I am going back to nature and simplicity. In fact, I already have a list of things that I am excited about. I'm going to share these activities with you all soon. Don't worry, it doesn't involve crochet and jigsaw puzzles (these are for ole geezers!), yet. Though, I can't promise. Anything but people.
Yup. It is really up to us to make the best of our situation and make sense of our lives. And turn things around. Maybe goodbye means welcoming hello. People come and go (because they suck). The beauty of this life is that the possibility is endless, we can still do what we want to do (not Diabolic things of course), meet who we can meet (I still need people), and be who we want to be (cliché but true). Not too late yet!