Hello everyone!
It's me again, dheannn. It has been a while since I haven't posted here because I've been busy. There's a lot of deadlines, activities and work things that needs to be done immediately.
For today's blog, I will share to everyone about one certain situation of my life that is causing me confusions. Questions that requires answers and problems that requires solutions. Confusions that is causing me to overthink things if I shall give pass or let things go.
I was Grade 8 that year. Having to belong to the higher section again is a challenge. But I never put to myself the much pressure since all I need is to pass. Along the way of my high school journey, I met this group of friends who I know is a total different perspective. This group of friends are academic achievers and values the essence of their friendship. Eventually, I was able to put myself in to be one of them and the reason why it happened because they needed my help that one time in creating a rocket for an activity and I was the one who helped them out. After which, they adopted me.
Thought I got it all but knowing to myself that I'm a feminine type of guy, I was bullied and called as gay. Offensive, yes cause its' too personal knowing that you know to yourself that you're aren't but they keep on saying it. As time goes by, I was used to it and just playing along with it. For the sake of our friendship. That type of bond was attached to our friendship for 6 years time. Weird to think how I stayed when I know I could have left them. We collected memories and stories. We cried, argued yet we chose to fix things.
The first photo was taken last April 2019 and the second one was last December 2021. We used the same location and the same position for us to get the photo as our memory and a story of our friendship timeline. But, all of that changed last February 2022.
It was my debut that time and I told them that I might celebrate my birthday out of town however, it didn't worked that way because my salary is not enough to handle the expenses and it might cripple me if I push it. So I transferred the venue on to something local. At the day of the celebration, I thought everything is well. I thought everything is okay.
I thought...
After that day and the following week, things started to escalate. I've been receiving negative feedback about my setup on my birthday. I found out that they never did intentionally attended on the venue if not for the scheduled power interruption on their area. A big insult, yet I tried to lower myself down and apologize. But things started to get worse.
Almost all of them had feedback against me to the point that they're pinning everything to me and even mentioned that they missed the old me and it seems like I changed. I took that personal, yes. And for the first time in my life, I got angry towards them. I no longer know myself since its' my anger who's the one making the moves. I distanced myself from them not because I hate them but because I need to protect myself. Yet, I still chose to be that softhearted friend they always knew. I apologize in many ways. Through chat, a video message and even personally but it was never fully accepted. The wound is still there. The accusations they made against me still reigns on their heads.
I got tired pursuing them back so I decided to remove myself out of their circle. 6 years was wasted. I did all of my best to keep that 6 years strong but it takes just one mistake for them to forsake and forget me when I ignored all of their mistakes against me and stick to the one reason to stay. I stayed because of the love that I offered for everyone even I get unfair treatments.
So there's no communication with them, I continued my life as I should and met two new groups along the way.
It's a good thing for me to have them and I'm very thankful that I have them in my life. But at the same time, I'm guilty of my existence. They're the ones who are suffering the trauma that they didn't create. They tend to make sure that I never experience the trauma I felt before and I thank them for making sure that I'll never feel it again.
As months goes by, the previous circle seems to communicate back with me and they usually tend to invite me out for coffee or hangouts. Since I already removed myself out from them, I usually decline because I don't want to associate things with them anymore however as time goes by, I just accept it. They also like to talk if I missed to be with them or check on me if how I'm going. That situation repeats in some cases and it feels like they're trying to initiate the connection to me.
This is where the confusing part falls. I'm not sure if what do they want, what they want to know or what they want to end up regarding the situation. I don't know if I'm already healed from the damage they made. I came to the point where I did honestly told myself that I was never happy in leaving them behind but satisfied? Yes! definitely. So I'm at the point of my life that I'm confused if I shall give a chance or ignore the signs that might cause another trauma or even worsen it.
Now I understand the saying "tough choices requires the painful decisions". I'm not happy for leaving them but I made my inner peace satisfied. Now I don't know which is which. If you have insights or advice, feel free to comment down below as it would help me a lot. Thank you also for spending your time in reading my blog. I still have a lot to share and I'll post it here. You can also follow me so you can be updated with my posts. Thank you once again everyone, God bless us all!
