You can think that it takes a whole ocean to break you but did you remember just how wide that ocean is?
While one part of that ocean is calm and soothing, somewhere across the world there’s a colossal storm. You are that ocean and you are that storm and you are that calm, all in layers.
People see the surface but not the depth in your eyes. People see a smile so wide that they can’t see what it took to get those muscles up. You’re poetry and a raging tornado. You’re not collateral damage but the entire collapsed building. And that’s fine or maybe it isn’t.
When someone asks you how you’re doing it’s an impulse to just say you’re fine. Let’s screw all the courtesies shall we? I’m made up of all the promises I couldn’t keep and the all the people I managed to destroy mentally. I’m made of crushed hopes that collapsed so hard they’ll never be built back up again. I’m made up of shattered pieces of glass that you can’t glue them back together. You can melt me and mold me anew but you know I’ll never be the same. I’m the twists in the wires of your earphones that you struggle to untangle every single day. Maybe, I wanted to be a beautiful mess and you should just let me be because it’s fine.
I’m the black hoodie you see in a crowd that wants to stand out and yet be so invisible. I’m submissive and yet I’ll be so assertive I’ll break a few hearts and minds. I’m the monster under your bed and the person that’s writing this at 2 AMs while dogs howl outside on streets beneath dimmed streetlights. I’m the person you could love but it’ll never be enough. I’m also the demons you loathe but are so addicted to, I’m ingrained inside you. I’ll read fiction but it won’t satisfy me unless the characters had to bleed to get back to each other. I can be hell and make it feel like heaven. And in the end it’ll be fine.
And here are the exact reasons why I’ll always be fine and you’ll believe me for it.
Dear parents,
I’ll never be what you picture me to be and what you want is truly an illusion. I’m not as put together as you’d wish. I’m not going to be the neurosurgeon that saved so many lives that you slept better at night knowing than I could. I’m the girl that wants to run away when things got hard and disappear off the grid. I’ll leave the pages of my poetry book behind and you’ll understand why.
Dear brother,
I never blamed you for every fight or for being the epicenter of the earthquake this family is. And I’m sorry for not being there in moments when you needed me. The shards of glass from the mirror I punched last night recklessly are home to my fingers. I’m sure you didn’t just hear the anger; you felt enough of it to never forget.
Dear best friend,
You’re probably the first one reading this as you take another road trip to one of my dark sides. I hope you’ve packed your luggage because this flight is about to take off very soon. I love you very much. Do know that though. And now we can also pretend I never said that. Do yourself a favour and be a little more courageous. Take some from me; I don’t need it as much right now.
Dear guy whose heart I broke,
Don’t worry, karma struck and I felt everything you did and so much more. But what we both did was worth it and you know that.
Dear boyfriend,
Listen to the screams because when I give you a piece of me to never take back, I want you to look at my soul which radiates more than what exposed skin ever will.
Dear “the one” (in case it’s not the boyfriend),
I hope you didn’t get hit by a bus before we ever got a chance. The universe can even be cruel on some days. I need you to keep the promises the we never said out loud. Don’t give up on me even when I’m hard to love which I will be, I promise. It’s the one promise I promise to keep.
Dear reader,
While I share this piece of me, know I’m cut open because it’s never easy to express. All we have sometimes are words that bleed only to never be said out loud. Don’t let them die inside of you. While I am everything that I mentioned above I am none of those at the same time. I’m rainbows and sunshine’s and golden retrievers. I’m what gets you through the day. I’m the noodles you’ve been waiting to have all week and the roller coaster you don’t want to get off. I’m your trip to the Bahamas. I’m the shoulder you can cry on. I’m the bubble wrap that you pop when you’re frustrated. I’m your salvation and your beacon of hope. I’m the person you dream about every night and the girl you couldn’t stop thinking about. I’ll love you and you’ll still want more. I’m chocolate sundaes and the girl that listens to your stories. I’m the person who can’t stop talking and I’ll make you listen and trust me you’ll want to. I’m the light at the end of the tunnel and more than anything, what I am is fine. Even when I’m an illusion