Mom had been sleeping a lot.
On June 14th I went to my parent’s house early in the morning. I was dropping off my pooches to be watched by dad so I could attend a funeral. When I got there, my mom was awake and so chatty. This was a surprise. Every other time I had visited recently mom had been low energy.
However, I had a schedule to keep, so had to leave. I told mom I was looking forward to visiting later in the day. She seemed excited to talk later too. Sadly, mom was asleep when I returned that afternoon. I chalked it up to poor timing, figuring things would be better during our next visit.
My next visit was on Sunday, June 16th. I went over on Father’s Day. I was there 3 hours before mom woke up. In that time I expressed to dad I was worried. He said he was worried too, but also was blaming some of mom’s medications for her weird sleeping schedule.
I didn’t go back again until June 22. 😪
I had to work the 17th and 18th, but had planned to return on the 19th. It was a holiday, so no work. Instead, I got wrapped up in putting together patio furniture. One item was a gift for my husband’s upcoming birthday.
I had taken the 20th off too, but more birthday prep was happening. We had planned to visit my parents on June 21st (my husband’s birthday). He dumbly scheduled a bunch of errands for himself that day, and they all went pear shaped. Which put him in a lousy mood. So… we didn’t get to mom and dad’s until the 22nd.
When we arrived mom was asleep again, but not peacefully sleeping. She looked terrible… gaunt, mouth hanging open. It was like looking at my grandma in the days before she passed away. I was distraught. I tried to wake mom but she didn’t stir. After another two hours, she woke up, but was disoriented. I had to explain to her who we were for it to click in her brain. My husband thanked her for his gift and we said our goodbyes for the afternoon.
I cried for the rest of the day.
For a brief period of time on Sunday, I was indecisive on my next steps. But finally I said to myself (F-CK IT)! I emailed work to let them know I was off until further notice. Then I went to my parent’s house. I stayed until 11pm. We called some people to let them know they should come visit soon if they wanted to say goodbye.
On Monday, June 24th I got to my parent’s a little before 11am. Mom wasn’t doing great, but did manage to take her pills with dad’s help. By the afternoon she was in some pain, so mom took pain meds and fell asleep. In the evening her friend Sheila came to visit.
Some back story… mom underwent her Whipple procedure February 24, 2020. Due to EXTENSIVE complications and repeat infections, mom did not come home from the hospital for 360 days! This was during Covid restrictions, so most visitors were banned… except the hospital chaplains. Sheila was the chaplain. Sheila had been with mom when we couldn’t, and they developed a deep friendship. Which continued after mom came home.
Mom slept through the whole thing, but Sheila’s visit was beautiful. She spoke to mom for a long time. Held her hand and brought a beautiful rose. Shelia told mom how strong and brave she had been. Dad and I cried.
After Sheila’s visit we called the hospice team. A nurse came out to access mom’s condition. They advised that we stop pills. We were given liquid morphine to ease any further pain.
Before I went home that night mom woke up. We told her Sheila had visited. We showed mom the rose Sheila brought. In the midst of this mom looked at me and said, “You l are always here.” And I replied I am, and I will be here again tomorrow. I told her I loved her. I told her goodbye. Mom said the same things to me in return.
Those were her last words to me…
When I returned Tuesday morning, I got a smile from mom. She had opened her eyes just enough to see me. Then she fell back to sleep.
Throughout the day, people came by my parent’s house. First, mom’s nurse visited. Later my aunt and two cousins visited. My husband and our doggies came and said goodbye. My best friend did the same.
That evening I made my dad watch the Disney movie Coco. I had bought it for mom sometime after she had come home from the hospital, but they had never watched it. For some reason, I desperately wanted mom to watch this move with me. Since her hospital bed was set up in the living room, we watched the movie. The three of us together even though mom was unconscious and no longer responsive. I went home late that night, worried mom would pass away while I was gone.
Mom made it through the night.
I got to my parent’s house early. Mom was breathing steadily, but her breaths were quick and shallow. Each one spaced 6-9 seconds apart. I watched her breath all morning. Dad put on old 1930’s movies and was constantly telling me little tidbits about the old actors.
Around 10:30am mom’s bath lady came to the house with the nurse. The two of them cleaned mom, washed her hair, changed mom’s bedding and dressed mom in a fresh nightgown. We also placed a new blanket over mom. It had just come in the mail (an early birthday present for her) from my aunt and uncle.
Mom did not wake for any of this, but she looked so peaceful after.
I sent this photo to my aunt and uncle to thank them for the blanket. Mom would have loved the flowers and the colors.
Dad kept watching movies. I made us lunch. Dad dozed off on the couch. I left the couch and sat in the chair beside mom’s bed. I held her hand while watching her breath.
I wondered… if mom dies will I be able to tell?
I wanted to google the answer, but it would have required two hands. So instead, I continued to hold mom’s hand and watch.
As I was watching it seemed mom’s breaths were getting smaller, lighter, more gentle. I wanted to wake dad, but I didn’t want to leave mom’s side. I couldn’t get myself to speak.
Breath… breath…. breath
And then… she was gone. 😪
I still need to write mom’s obituary, but I have drafted her eulogy.
This is what I will say at her service.
Good afternoon everyone, my name is Danielle and for those of you who might not know I am Pam’s daughter.
Before I talk about mom, I want to thank all of you for coming today. I know a lot of people here didn’t necessarily know Mom, but you know, me and dad… and both of us appreciate your support as we mourn the loss of the most important person in our lives.
Mom would have been amazed to see so many faces here. And we are really grateful to see all of you too.
I also want to thank Sheila Connolly who just spoke. For the many months mom spent hospitalized, Sheila was mom’s chaplain and one of the only visitors mom could see.
My mom has always been very selective about the people she lets into her life, but she and Sheila bonded. Their friendship is a testament to what a wonderful person Sheila is. And I’m so thankful she could be there for my mom in the hospital and during these years after.
Mom really treasured their friendship.
It is a hard thing to lose the person who gave birth to you. The emptiness is vast and undescribable unless you’ve been through it.
As an only child, I spent a lot of time with my mom. Even though I have now been married more than 20 years, I think mom is still the one person in this world with whom I have spent the most time.
And I desperately wanted more time.
Mom devoted her life to me and dad. Always putting us first. She stayed home to raise me and held down the fort during dad’s work travels. Mom created a home for us that was warm, inviting and filled with beautiful things and delicious treats.
In her quiet and unassuming way mom made everything magical. For years she baked and decorated all of our birthday cakes. I never had a store bought Halloween costume because mom hand made each one. At Christmas she would help me decorate my own huge tree in my bedroom. And she still organized gifts from Santa and the Easter bunny well into my adulthood.
Mom is famous in our family for the the way she wrapped presents. Each one looked like a piece of art, and people would save her bows to reuse them on other packages later.
People often compliment me on my holiday tablescapes, but I only have that skill because I got it from mom. Every dinner party, every celebration, every sleep over for out of town guests was a chance for her to display her hospitality and artistic flare. And mom was the queen of both.
Mom was such a talented artist, both in the fine arts and in crafting. Over the years she completed countless paintings, drawings, charcoal sketches, sequined holiday ornaments, felt Christmas stockings, Ukrainian dyed Easter eggs, and knitted blankets. Mom sewed curtains and clothes. She also cross stitched pillow cases and tea towels which I know many of us have from her in our homes. Mom had an eye for aesthetic and design and with it she made everything beautiful.
Mom loved puzzles, crosswords, bowling, Italian pottery, southwest architecture, solitaire, collecting hallmark keepsake Christmas ornaments, reading, wombats, eating the heavily frosted and flowered corner pieces of store bought cakes, horror movies, tulips, drives to La Conner, dinners at Canlis and watching her soap operas.
Mom was feisty and mischievous. She took great joy in playfully teasing her nieces, nephews, and siblings-in-law. Always giggling with a sparkle in her eye after dropping some zinger.
Mom never hesitated when speaking her mind. She was whip smart, and won all the board games. She was also our household’s high score champion in both PAC Man and Space Invaders on our Atari 2600.
Mom loved her parents, and was so sad when her own mother passed this last Thanksgiving.
She also loved dad’s parents, his siblings, their spouses, and their children. Mom, like me, was an only child, but in marrying dad his siblings became her siblings too. I am so thankful they all were able to be together recently before we lost my mom and my aunt Christine to cancer.
Mom loved my dachshunds (her grand furbabies) Jasper and Kodi. Mom watched them every day back when working from the office was a regular occurrence. She made each one their own Christmas stocking, she bought and wrapped gifts to give them on holidays and their birthdays, and even from her hospice bed she would pet and kiss them when I lifted them high enough for her to reach.
Mom loved dad. They met after being set up on a blind date in 1965 and married at this very church 2 years later. The two of them are both stubborn, butting heads on occasion, but they fiercely protected one another and our family. You can see this clearly in everything dad did to protect and care for mom after her cancer diagnosis. He would have taken on everyone in the world to save her, and mom would have done the same for dad had their positions been reversed. Everyone deserves that kind of love and my parents were so lucky to have one another for almost 57 married years.
Mom loved and supported me unconditionally. She never questioned my choices nor expressed doubt in my decisions and most importantly, mom showed up for me every day.
When I chose Philip as my husband mom welcomed him into our family and loved him as a son. When I moved across the world, it was mom who packed up and shipped all of my possessions. When we came home, she carved out space for us to live in my parent’s basement, and she painted the bedrooms in our own home when we finally moved out.
I can’t count how many times I ended up really sick while Philip was out of town on some work trip, and mom would come over to take care of me… just like she did when I was little. In the days before her own cancer surgery, mom sat at our house watching one of my dogs so I could be with our other at the vet during his own medical emergency.
Mom always looked out for us and tried to ease our pain. Not long after she was told her cancer had returned, mom wrote dad and I each a letter. Mom instructed dad that they could only be opened after she was gone. In mine mom told me she will always love me. How proud she is of me, and how sorry she is to be gone. Even in her own dying mom was thinking of us.
She is the bravest and strongest person I have ever known.
I am so thankful for her. I am so grateful to be her daughter and I will love and miss mom every day of my life.
Thank you everyone for being here to remember and celebrate her.
