Forgiving and Forgetting: Are They Truly a Package Deal?
The phrase “forgive and forget” is one of those well-worn expressions that sound wise on the surface, but quickly gets messy when we try to apply it in real life. Forgiving is about releasing the bitterness you hold toward someone who has wronged you, while forgetting is about erasing the memory of that wrong from your mind—or at least choosing not to dwell on it. They are often mentioned in the same breath, as though they are inseparable twins. But can one truly exist without the other? And is it realistic to demand both?
Forgiveness is, at its core, an act of will. It is a decision to release resentment, even if the pain remains. Forgetting, however, is not always a decision—it’s often a limitation of memory or a conscious act of redirecting focus. Our minds are not chalkboards we can wipe clean. Even when the emotional sting fades, the memory might remain vivid. This means forgetting is not always possible, and expecting it can be unrealistic.
In truth, forgiveness can exist without forgetting. You can forgive someone for betraying your trust while still remembering the betrayal—if only to protect yourself from repeating the same mistake. On the other hand, forgetting without forgiving is dangerous; it can lead to unresolved bitterness simmering below the surface.
Few Months ago, i remember how a friend of mine shared her story concerning her co-worker. A young girl named Tola worked in a small fashion design shop with her closest friend, Blessing. They had built the business from scratch, pooling their savings and dreams into something they believed would carry them to success. Everything seemed perfect until the day Tola discovered that Blessing had been taking money from the business account to fund her personal side projects without telling her.
[IMAGE FROM ME]
The betrayal cut deep. Tola confronted Blessing, who broke down in tears and apologized, swearing it was a moment of weakness and not malice. Tola was torn; part of her wanted to end the friendship immediately, while another part couldn’t bear to throw away years of sister-like closeness. Eventually, she decided to forgive Blessing.
But forgetting? That was another matter entirely.
Months passed, and the business limped forward. Tola no longer felt the same warmth when working with Blessing. She found herself double checking receipts, monitoring sales more closely, and hesitating before sharing ideas. On Blessing birthday, she brought her a cake and smiled, but deep down, the memory of that betrayal still whispered in her mind. The hurt no longer controlled her actions, but the trust that had once been unshakable was never fully rebuilt.
One afternoon, a customer complained about a missing order. Tola’s first thought was not that it was a normal mix-up but that Blessing might have mishandled it. That single moment made her realize something important: she had forgiven Ada, but she had not, and perhaps could not, forget.
My friend experience "Tola" experience shows us that forgiveness is not dependent on erasing memory. You can release anger while still acknowledging the wrong done to you. Forgetting, in many cases, is a matter of time, and even then, it might not happen fully. Holding on to the lesson learned from a hurt is not the same as holding on to the hurt itself.
So, is forgiving and forgetting a realistic demand? The honest answer is: not always. Human memory is stubborn, and pain often etches itself into our hearts more deeply than joy. The real demand should be emotional release choosing not to let the wrong define your relationship or your own peace of mind. Forgetting can be a blessing, but it should never be the test of whether your forgiveness is genuine.
Forgiveness is an act of strength. Forgetting is a gift that may or may not come with time. They can walk hand in hand, but they are not bound together by necessity. You can forgive without forgetting; what matters is that you learn how to remember without reopening the wound.
