Forgiveness is something I have often struggled with fully understanding, over the years.
It's not that I don't know what it means, just that it's appropriateness sometimes difficult to ascertain.
What does it mean? Moreover, what does it mean... to ME? When is it authentic and releasing, and when is it just like the infamous "solicited apology" in disguise? When is it healthy, when is it not?
In the world of the tolerant and empathic, I think there's an unhealthy tendency towards "over-forgiveness," often born out of low self-esteem. We forgive people a million sins, not because we truly forgive their transgressions, but because we fear we'll be rejected, judged harshly and abandoned if we don't. Or we have persuaded ourselves that our empathy and good nature "demands" that we forgive people, no matter what.
In my opinion, that's hardly an emotionally healthy response. But it is one I have seen a lot. I observe good people squeeze themselves through the eye of a needle with words like "I forgive him/her because he/she can't help... (fill in awful behavior of your choice here)."
When someone "transgresses" against us, it usually means that some kind of boundary has been overstepped.
There may be a one-time event, or a pattern of behavior leading to the broken boundary. Either way, it is a natural human response to feel anger or rage... and it's my observation that forgiveness serves to let go of those feelings. But is the inner anger and rage truly released, when we automicatically "forgive" everything, without a second thought? Or are we actually selling out, and telling ourselves a fairy tale designed mostly to feed our self-identities as "gracious and empathetic people?"
One of my spiritual Teachers once said that in our efforts to be compassionate and open minded, we must also take care not to slip too far in the direction of a sort of "spiritual idiocy" that renders us victims of our own tolerance.
There is nothing "noble" in forgiving a bully for bullying us because "he had a hard childhood" and then allowing him to continue to bully us because "he can't help it." In a sense, that is no less toxic than holding a grudge and not forgiving. It's merely a different extreme. And, in both extremes, we run the risk of not only "losing ourselves" but also losing our authentic voice.
It is very likely that I have long since forgiven — sincerely — the kids who bullied me in grade school... but that doesn't mean I am going to look them up on Facebook and invite them to tea!
By all means forgive — when you're good and well ready — but don't concern yourself about forgetting!
Thanks for stopping by, and have a great weekend!
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Created at 2025.02.22 00:02 PST
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