It is a truth universally acknowledged that in any apocalypse the most important item to have to hand is toilet roll, and let me tell you I have that one covered! Numbers two and three are a bit of a food stash with a few weapons and fierce canines to guard it.
I’m expecting the apocalypse any day now, I have been for the last 50 years. In the 70s wasn’t the ozone layer about to disappear and fry us, so we threw our aerosol deodorants in the fire and handed over our fridges full of killer CFCs. In the 80s at the height of the Cold War, we were warned of a coming nuclear Armageddon. In the 90s it was a deluge that would cover us in water quicker than you could say melting ice caps, and ever since then the dreaded global warming global cooling climate change has threatened to wreak havoc unless we pay our governments loads of money.
Naturally, I'm far too long in the tooth to believe any of this nonsense when I know full well that we will soon be descended upon by the needlecrafted hordes, transmogrified into zombies by the 5G frequencies. And I’m prepared!
We do target practice every day and though there aren’t many moving targets around these parts, since my brother is over 100 kg and too slow to be challenging, I can hit a galloping cow at 20 paces. And, the countless episodes of The Walking Dead I've endured have taught me the fine art of zombie decapitation.
My other talents are many and varied and while being an ace at Euchre may not be a useful post-apocalyptic skill, the ability to play Chopin's Funeral March on both guitar and piano might prove to be a handy little earner.
Of course, I've done all the normal things like store 3 years supply of gas, piles of coal, a couple of tanks of diesel, chicken feed, 30kg of lentils, 10 kilos of nutritional yeast and countless jars of honey and coffee, all at a secret location.
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