I couldn't imagine how things just came into their right places. I worked hard just working as what others are also doing, without any thoughtful thinking of where am I going and what am I for. Having friends, drinking, enjoying of any sort were none of my awareness or whatsoever. I just hooked up with anybody around me. When bad things happened, a little break would be enough to move on again with the same easy-go life. But when the worst thing happened, when everything just collapse as if all are gone and the thought of death immediately came into the crazy and polluted mind.
During my Grade School and High School, I was a silent type of person with no closed friends, just classmates and school mates. When College came, the influence started. I was alone far from our home about 33 kilometers from College School. I would only go home every week. I rented a house to stay. The first time I started drinking beer at 17 years old. Studying in college was tough for me because I need to break my silent type to a social type of person. I learned to watch porn movies with my friends and it always attached to masturbation that often times happened afterwards. We went out on night clubs and some of my friends couldn't control themselves and end up having sex with prostitutes. But I escaped to have sex during those times in college, not until I was 26 when I met my partner when I was already working. But before we met, I already experienced depression.
When I graduated in college together with my batch in 1998, our normal next move was to work. We sold our expensive books to students at that time to have some funds to go to Cebu, Philippines to find jobs. It took me months before being hired. I worked as a technician on elevators and escalators for 18 months. I accidentally put my hand on the roller of the escalator while I was lubricating it, and my ring finger from my left hand was almost eaten by the roller. I immediately stop the operation and my ring finger was flattened by the roller. The bone on it was fractured after it was examined.
The time came when we argued with my supervisor. My behavior often times was weird, when misunderstandings with others would come along I immediately quit and stop talking to that person. Thus, I quit my job and went to my friends in Cavite, Philippines. There, we enjoyed our company while I was the one cooking for them because I was still looking for a new job. Most of them had jobs already.
Sometimes I was alone in the apartment we lived in. I came across with a book The Imitation of Christ.
I got hooked up with this book that it became a daily reading habit to me. My search for a job had ended and I went to a Diocese to apply for priesthood. I passed the examination and the Parish Priest told me to apply again in our hometown because it would be much easier for me there because priests were using their native language there.
I came home and to my excitement, I was just kept reading on books, the Bible and encyclopedias. I was overwhelmed and just eating only few foods during meals. Even if I was hungry, it never came to my mind to eat. Our Parish Priest told me to wait for the Bishop in our Diocese to arrive from Singapore so that I could talk to him for my desire of becoming a priest.
One night, as I was reading about the Papacy and about the Popes, I felt tired and ended up lying on my bed. It just happened that I was thinking about the world, the people, the sins of the world and I was crying intensely. And I quickly got out from bed and shouted, "Where's the Pope?" My parents came to my bed, "What happened to you?", my mother ask. I said, " Where's the Pope?". My father answered, "The Pope is in the Vatican."
That was my first nervous breakdown and I could even remember that time, that I was out of my mind. Our neighbor doctor came and I heard he was asking questions to my parents. I could remember I was lying inside the ambulance while I was praying the Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be. But I could only remember a few of the moments, not really all that happened when I was out of mind. I could also remember I was shouting and maybe that was a nurse who injected me in order to calm me down.
I felt very weak at that time, I could still remember. I was even thinking about the Jesuits at that time because I applied to join the Society of Jesus.
One morning came, I was restored from my mental disorder. We came home and I wasn't really totally restored yet because I usually wanted to be alone at that time.
One day, I received a letter from the Society of Jesus that I wasn't accepted in their society. It felt real pain in my heart to accept it. I was in the first place very desirable to become a priest in that society but I failed.
Time had passed, my desire again continued and I tried the Franciscans.
Franciscans have many branches in the Roman Catholic Religious Order. I joined the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate when two of my neighbors convinced me to join and it happened that I was also planning to try it.
As an Aspirant in the community, I was really overwhelmed and with too much excitement, I even didn't realize that I was eating little foods during meals. During meditation, as I was reading about the life of Padre Pio, I could felt as if the saint was within me and during the night I was thinking of becoming like him with stigmata like Saint Francis of Assisi.
As days went by, I was eventually consecrated to the Immaculate (Mother Mary). I was well and good with the community when one day, inside the convent, as we were kneeling during meditation, I was also writing something on my notes. I just remembered the night when we were having conversation with my fellow Aspirant about a Hermit Priest. On my notes I was writing of also becoming a Hermit Priest. One night, I was called by my Superior and advised me not to disturb my fellow Aspirants. I was thinking, maybe that was when I woke up very early and maybe I didn't notice others were disturbed. Until many were complaining about me and I was transferred to the cell of my Superior. In that cell I stayed for several hours during the day and never think of anything or didn't even felt hungry and I locked the door so that nobody could get in. I could remember those times, but that actual moment, I was already out of my mind at that time. During the night, I tried to get out of the cell and I suddenly heard a voice from my mother calling me. After that voice, I planned to go home and remembered our home where I came from.
I was very weak at that time and couldn't remember when was the last time I ate. I was being checked by the psychologist before I prepared to go home and was given medication. At home I was always in my room. I went out only when I ate then got inside again in my room. I was fat during those times. I always watched television in my room. I even told my mother that I was very weak and a useless person. My sister gave me her old mobile phone and I was hooked into it. And that was the time when I met my partner. We chatted on the phone and I was a little bit enjoying chatting with her.
I came to realize maybe religious life wasn't for me. So, I decided to went to school again to study basic computer programming just for two years. My elder sister supported me and I graduated. I planned to find a job again and I worked and met with my partner and we got married. Everything was changed. Now, I finally realize, Priesthood or Religious Life wasn't really for me.
Those old days of enjoyments with my friends had disappeared and I'd completely transformed into a new person much more stronger than ever.
I was purged and suffered much but the results afterwards were astonishing!
With love,
A SPECIAL THANKS to 
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