What's up, you bunch of greasy goblins? Back at it again today, bringing you the high octane, thrill filled game reviews that you've all come to jerk off over. Except, today, we're going to be talking about a game that I'm pretty sure 99.9 percent of you didn't even know existed because no one gives a fuck about it, and I don't think it had any kind of advertising put out. It's called Jurassic World Evolutions, you know, banking on all the love of the recent movies that most certainly didn't get a shit ton of hate. The game was developed by Frontier Development plc, who you might have known for their previous work of Zoo Tycoon and Rollercoaster Tycoon 3. So, I figured this game probably would be decently well done, at the very least. Where we could all just squat down, unzip their pants and believe in this dev team as hard as you can with your mouth.
But, I guess I was wrong to think that since this game turned out to be a boring mess for the most part.
So, you'd figure this game is going to be a park simulator style game considering the premise and also the past work that the developers have done. However, you can toss those whoreish ideas straight out the window. Because, this is actually more of a manager simulator, which I wasn't expecting. Now, I'm sure some of you probably would enjoy that, but, I'm not really much of a fan and wanted something more like Roller Coaster Tycoon. The game basically centers around keeping your dinosaurs satisfied/healthy, and honestly feels like a cross between a survival game and a children's game that was meant to show them the responsibilities of being a pet owner. If said pets were the most needy fucking creatures on the planet. The amount of work and things you have to do for literally just about every dinosaur in the park is so ridiculous and convoluted that you'll wish a nuke would just hit your islands.
Beyond adding the dinosaurs, there's nothing really cool to build and add to your park. Which, is a bit of a problem when the theme of the game is building a park. The core mechanic of the game is basically just put money into researching new dinosaurs, put new dinosaurs into a cage and then give them an over the pants handjob and whatever else that they want. There can be a lot of chaos happening with trying to manage a ton of dinosaurs at once. And, there are random events that can happen that will throw you into the frying pan, both of which I think are good things. Because, without the chaos aspect being put into the mix, the game would be literally something to put on when you have insomnia and need help falling asleep.
Another aspect of the game that is really dogshit is the dinosaurs themselves. Now, don't get me wrong, the design and models for the dino's in the game is actually pretty good. They're nice to look at, as is the rest of the game. That's one thing that they did right with this is just making the graphics and world overall look very nice. But, none of the dinosaurs have animations built in for their actions or just in general for a cool little cutscene. They have no depth to them at all really. The only thing they really do is eat whatever food you put on the ground and then occasionally get into fights. And, the fights literally are like if you took a 7 year old and recorded him smashing two action figures together for 45 seconds. It's honestly kind of sad the lack of effort that went into that feature in the game, it's what I would expect from a cheap mobile game.
You would think having two huge, cool looking dinosaurs facing off to the death would be an actually interesting part of the game. But, you might as well just go get into your bed and close your eyes, because the game will be making your eyes be glued together anyways from how boring this shit is. It is literally a single animation that repeats 2-3 times and looks like an angry chihuahua. That is literally all there is to it, unless you get super excited about having a helicopter come extract the corpse after. It's not at all fulfilling to watch as a player, and honestly, I'm sure if the NPC's had any thoughts at all they'd think this shit is a pathetic scam and that they want their money back, while being upset that their dicks are still flaccid after coming to a dinosaur park.
And, while it isn't something I'm assuming most people would expect from the game, I'll go ahead and mention this. This game has barely any story to it at all, so don't expect a real narrative if you decide to boot this up. Which is fine, because I'm pretty sure everyone going into this game just expects a cool park simulator game with dinosaurs. And, if you substitute park sim with park manager, you do get that out of the game. It's just mediocrely done, however. I think the only people who will truly cum in their pants over this game are those of you who have an insane love for dinosaurs. For those of you who aren't hardcore dino fanatics, I don't think you'll find much here. I think something like Zoo Tycoon had a lot more depth and features with its gameplay. A game that is fucking 20 years old. You could create a ton of stuff to your park and give it a cool unique look and there was just a ton to do. This game doesn't give you the ability to customize your park really or make it unique from some other random players park. There's just barely anything to do with this game, which is unacceptable when the game dropped for $60 originally, and is still currently going for $45. I got to play it for free thankfully, and still feel like I was a bit let down.
I'm not gonna sit here and say this is the worst game of the decade or anything. I think there is a little bit of fun to be had here for sure, and the game itself is very functional. I didn't run into any bugs or glitches that ruined the game for me or made it crash. But, this game should be a $10 game max. And, asking more than that is highway robbery for what you get. I feel like the majority of effort that went into this game was just put into the graphics and trying to make the dinosaurs look cool and the island to look nice. And, again, that does all look great. The sound design for the dinosaurs is also done extremely well, with lots of cool/well done sound effects for the noises they make. I'm not sure if those things were just ripped from other Jurassic Park/World media or not, but, they were fitting and worked great nonetheless.
Overall, this game is very shallow and on the surface. There's not much you can customize or do with your park, and the animals themselves are hollow feeling. The missions you get throughout the game are very uninspired and felt like they had maybe 15 minutes of thought put into them, I honestly can say they barely felt like missions and you don't really feel much progression from doing them. The experience of this game was a bit disappointing, to sum it up. I don't hate the game, but, I just didn't really like it much either. If you jerk off over dinosaurs all day, then this will probably be something right up your alley. I dunno, I just wanted more from this game. It sounds/looks nice, and functions well. The natural disasters/diseases/random events that cause chaos definitely add to the fun of the game, but not enough. I would only recommend you try this game out for either free or under $10.
But, yeah. Until next time, I guess, babybois.
Later.
