There were seasons where i was not easy to be around. Not in dramatic ways. In the quieter ways that tend to do more sustained damage in long term relationships. Less present than i should have been. Shorter with people who deserved patience. Giving the thinnest version of myself to the people closest to me because the difficulty i was carrying had taken most of what i had and they got what was left.
Some people left during those periods. I understand that. Everyone has limits and some of those limits were reached honestly.
But some people stayed. Without making a performance of staying. Without keeping a running account of what they were absorbing. Just kept being present, kept offering what they had, kept showing up when showing up required more than it usually did.
Those people are still in my life. And what i owe them is not guilt, i have spent enough time with that already. What i owe them is to actually be here when i am here. Not the performed gratitude that thanks people for staying without actually changing the quality of presence they receive. The real version. Actually showing up with what i am capable of now that the season that made it so difficult has passed.
The people who stayed through your worst are not owed repayment in any transactional sense. That accounting does not map onto human relationships in any useful way.
But they are owed the real you when the real you is available. Not as compensation. Just as the natural response to what was given.
Make sure they actually receive it. Not as a debt being settled. As love being expressed properly, finally, with the capacity that was not available before.
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