For a long time i told myself i was fine. Not thriving exactly but fine. Functional. Getting through. I had things others did not have and i knew that, so complaining felt ungrateful. Feeling unhappy when your basic needs are met starts to feel like a character flaw after a while, like you should just be grateful and get on with it.
So i got on with it. For longer than i should have.
The admission, when it finally came, was not dramatic. No breakdown, no single moment where everything cracked open. Just a quiet tuesday evening sitting alone where i finally stopped arguing with myself and just let the honest feeling exist without immediately talking myself out of it.
I was unhappy. Had been for a while. And pretending otherwise had not made it less true, it had just made me less able to do anything about it.
There is something about naming a thing honestly that shifts it. Not fixes it, naming something does not fix it. But it moves you from pretending something is not there to actually being in a relationship with the truth of it. And from there, at least, something can begin. You cannot navigate from a location you refuse to acknowledge.
The unhappiness pointed at things. Specific things i had been ignoring. A direction my life was moving in that was not mine. Habits and choices and relationships that were costing more than they were giving. Things i had been tolerating as permanent that were actually choices i was making every single day and could make differently.
None of that was visible while i was busy performing fine.
I am not suggesting you perform misery instead. Or that happiness is not real or not worth having. I am saying that the honest middle ground, just telling yourself the truth about where you actually are, is the only starting point that leads anywhere real.
You are allowed to not be okay. You are allowed to admit that things are not working without that admission making you weak or ungrateful or someone who cannot handle life.
Admitting it honestly was the first thing that actually helped me.
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