MY BIGGEST HOLIDAY PREPARATION CHALLENGE: PREPARING FOR CHRISTMAS FOR THE FIRST TIME WITHOUT MY PARENTS #314
If you asked me last year what my biggest holiday preparation challenge was, I would have laughed and said, Money!
Money is the problem!
This year, I am not laughing.
This year, my biggest holiday preparation challenge is not money.
It's not food.
It's not clothes.
It's not travel.
My biggest challenge is preparing for the holidays for the first time without my parents.
And I don't think anything could have prepared me for this kind of pain.
CHRISTMAS USED TO MEAN THEM
For me, Christmas was never about the decorations.
It was never about the new clothes.
It was never about the rice and chicken.
Christmas was my parents.
Christmas was my mother's voice in the kitchen at 4am, shouting, who is still sleeping?
Come and help me in the kitchen.
Christmas was my father's voice, calling everyone, come and sit down, let's pray before we start the day's activities.
Christmas was my mother tasting the stew and saying, go and call your father to come and taste.
Christmas was my sister sharing the meat and saying, this one is for Mama, and this one is for Papa, this one is for my you and the names go on.
That was Christmas.
That was home.
That was happiness.
But this year, that kitchen will be quiet. That chair will be empty and there will be no Papa and Mama to lead.
How do you prepare for a holiday when the people who made the holiday are gone?
THE CHALLENGES NOBODY TALKS ABOUT
- The Empty Chair Challenge
Every time I think about Christmas, I see two empty chairs.
I keep asking myself, who will sit there? Who will pray for us?
Who will bless the food?
Who will tell the old stories that made us laugh until our stomachs hurt?
I have been to the market. I have seen the rice, the chicken, the clothes. But I have not been able to buy anything because every time I pick something up, I remember, Mama used to buy this one. Papa used to like this one and I drop it back.
How do you buy Christmas food when the people you were buying it for are not here to eat it?
- The Strength Challenge, Being Strong For Others
I am not the only one grieving.
My siblings are grieving and my family is grieving.
And now, everyone is looking at each other. They are waiting for who will say, let's still celebrate.
Let's still cook and be happy.
But how can I be strong for others when I am broken inside myself?
Some nights, I cry alone and ask God, why did You take them both?
Why this year?
I have to be the mother and the father to many now. I have to be the one to make Christmas still feel like Christmas, even when my own heart is in pieces.
That is my biggest challenge. Pretending to be okay, so others can be okay.
- The First Time Challenge
They say the first time is the hardest.
First Christmas without Mama's cooking.
First Christmas without Papa's prayers.
First Christmas without their blessings.
First Christmas without hearing them say, My child, Merry Christmas, God bless you.
I am scared. I am scared that I will break down. I am scared that I will set the table and start crying. I am scared that I will hear a Christmas song they loved and I will not be able to stand it.
But I also know this, If I don't try, Christmas will die with them and I don't want that.
SO HOW AM I PREPARING?
I am not preparing the way I used to but I am preparing differently this year.
I am preparing with tears and with love. I will cook Mama's recipe, even if my hand shakes. I will pray Papa's prayer, even if my voice cracks. I will keep their chair, but I will put their picture there, so they are still with us.
I am preparing with memories, not money. This year, I will not stress about buying the most expensive clothes or the biggest chicken. I will focus on keeping their memory alive. We will sit together and share stories about them. We will laugh about the funny things they did. We will cry, and then we will laugh again.
I am preparing with faith and I believe they are in a better place.
I believe they are watching us.
I believe they want us to be happy, not sad. So I will celebrate for them.
I will be happy for them.
I will live for them.
MY MESSAGE TO ANYONE WHO HAS LOST SOMEONE
If you are also preparing for the holidays for the first time without your parents, without your loved one, without someone you love, I see you.
I feel you.
You are not alone.
You don't have to be happy.
You don't have to pretend.
It's okay to cry. It's okay to miss them.
It's okay to not feel like celebrating.
But please, don't cancel Christmas.
Don't cancel your life.
Don't cancel your joy.
Because the best way to honor them is to live the life they prayed for you to live.
They are gone from our eyes, but they are not gone from our hearts. And as long as we remember them, they will never truly die.
Mama and Papa, this Christmas,
I will cook.
I will pray.
I will laugh.
I will try not because it is easy, but because you taught me to be strong.
This is for you.
Rest in peace my heroes, I will always love you.