I can connect with you in this, but my issue called HSP, and I had this from my childhood and right now it became really annoying sometimes, and you are right relationship and finding someone to talk to close like a wife but someone who is with you not someone who will just leave or dont care about you, though it was a long time I stopped telling how is my life in public, because it is humans nature to hear a negative thing from you or me and thinking negative about us, also I would liked to talk with you in discord if you have an account there, it will be great to have a conversation with you and we can share our ideas and disscuss about things. And when I was reading what you just said reminds me of one of my late songs, if you liked to listen and see the mood is close to what you said:
https://choon.co/tracks/0rjnv54z17v/dark-mood/
It is callee Dark Mood, ok my friend, tell me if there is any way to talk with you through an app. Thanks for this post :)