"If all of the kings had their queens on the throne...
We would pop champagne and raise a toast!"🎵
Or... not quite. Welcome to my next sarcastic adventure, haha! Who wants to feel like a king or queen? Admit it right now, haha! Probably quite a few of you. Today we're going to dive into the world of the rich - in one of the biggest castles in the Netherlands - the Kasteel de Haar. Okay dears, we won't be the main characters in a medieval story, we won't be rich (alas), but it's not forbidden to dream. See, an actress married a prince - so it can happen to anyone... if you're pretty lucky (and have a strategic wedding agency, haha).
The castle has survived since the 13th century. If our dreams are that solid, maybe they'll outlive everything too, haha. Although, after seeing and reading how many actual rooms and bathrooms there are... I prefer my humble apartment. At least I know where my socks are. Sure, it doesn't have that gothic vibe, but I can always buy an old statue, not clean for a few centuries and - voilà! Medieval atmosphere!
Sadly, the gardens aren't in their youthful heyday now, but just imagine... rose paths, water channels, bridges and even a maze - because there's no better way to pass the time than getting lost in aristocratic style. Or, if you want a little adrenaline in your relationship - challenge your other half to a race through the maze. God, I've watched too many books and movies (chickflicks, haha).
Although, there actually was such a situation. On the way to the castle, on the bus, I spotted a guy I didn't know liked the same sex (to put it politely). A bit later, while wandering the maze, I saw him and his partner chasing and hugging each other - and honestly, the sight was cute, haha.
Now, imagine how many celebrities have walked these paths, these hallways... And, as always, I got lost in my thoughts, haha, for which I apologize. I'll try to show you around all the open rooms and tell you about some of them. And if we happen to meet any fantasy characters... oh wait, the fantasy festival here isn't until September. Get your phones out, open Instagram, Facebook, MySpace (if you're super nostalgic) and let's get stories and posts, hahaha! Oooo, yes but before we get started with the lovely tour, I want to thank everyone who has stayed up to this point, haha. Just kidding. I want to thank the tour guides, in every room, who were so kind to answer my stupid questions and thirst for information, including the printing house that printed flyers with almost no information about the castle, haha. Apparently they ran out of ink before they even started printing. Anyway though, let's get back to our tour, which may be quite long for some of you, haha. Take your patience, a glass of beer/wine, popcorn and enjoy. If you decide to fall asleep sometime, no problem, haha.
And here we go. Welcome to the Oscars room, namely the castle dining room. This is where fashion icons, movie stars, and artists (a.k.a. 19th century influencers) gathered to admire themselves while dining on fine cuisine. Naturally, one of them was to receive the award for 'best pastry chef of the decade'. If you think ticktock pastry chefs are creative, you are sorely mistaken. The castle's head chef, Pierre Amory, made an entire sugar model of the castle itself - two months of labor, meticulous detail, an architectural masterpiece. The problem? Left in the warm kitchen, it melted like a Saudi snowman. "Some people are worth melting for," but only if you're rich and can afford to order a new one. Ha ha.
And if you think the beautiful but fake people on Instagram are scary, imagine the following scene: you're home visiting the baron in winter, freezing after another hunt in the park. Unable to feel your fingers and toes, you dream of curling up next to the warm, crackling fireplace... which does NOT exist! Welcome to the world of aristocratic illusions.
Huge, majestic and completely fake - that's what most castle fireplaces look like. True masterpieces of deception: ornate, fitted with cast-iron grates from which warm air from the steam heating system flows. Some even hide ordinary radiators. To be honest, I was also expecting an artificial fire made of lights and red filters. For people who can afford to buy half of Europe, not being able to find a few logs? Ha ha! So while the aristocrats enjoyed their artificial warmth and artificial friendships, the only real thing here was hunger - and the drive for more ostentation.
From there we move to a more educated room. Or so one would think. More like a VIP display of aristocratic ego proudly stamped on coats of arms and family trees. Books? Ah yes, those dusty things with letters inside. Well, they're gone. They got in the way of the interior design too much. After all, if you're rich, why keep old books when you can cut down another tree and get new ones printed? Or you could just sell them because, you know, even castles need repairs and gold chandeliers don't clean themselves. The interior itself? Utter splendour, to put it with a slight nervous twitch of the eye. True collector's schizophrenia. Chinese ceramics? Of course. Oriental figurines? Yeah, it wouldn't be a true nobleman's library without them. French furniture? Oui, monsieur, you can't do without a little royal luxury. All this, of course, without a shred of logic, but with a lot of pretension. To make it quite modern, one of the owners even installed an outside telephone line - an absolute must-have for anyone who wants to harass friends, neighbours and servants at any hour of the day. "Hey, Jacques, are you still driving last year's model of carriage? God, what a tragedy!" Nothing like a nice phone conversation for a show of status.*
If this all sounds sarcastic, it is. But I admit - all this extravagance has its charm. It's unique, different and offbeat, like a nobleman's version of the bitmarket, but with more gilded frames and the weight of age-old wealth.
Ooh, look, I've already written a thousand words! What a surprise, hahaha! But since I don't want to give you an existential crisis from reading too much text, I'll let you check out the rest of the rooms for yourself... through the pictures.
After all, the goal was to tour the castle with me, not to fall asleep halfway through. So - congratulations, you survived and it's almost over! And if you made it this far without being bored to death - thank you! You are true champions, haha.
Information:
📍 Location: Kasteellaan 1, 3455 RR Utrecht
🕒 Opening Hours:
Wednesday – Sunday: 11:00 – 17:00
🎟️ Ticket Prices:
Adults € 20,00
Children 4 to 12 years € 12,50
Museumcard / ICOM-card free. (reservations online is preferred)
🌐 Website:
Kasteel De Haar
suffer from the past, to long for the future, but to forget the present.
Any unsourced images and writing are my own. Life is worth it!
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