I'm not into bugs. I appreciate their ecological purpose, I just appreciate it more when they're being ecologically purposeful somewhere else. I'm not into killing spiders, either, not my thing, I'm still haunted by the tarantula I murdered in South America. As I write this, there's a daddy long legs chillin in the corner of the living room, I can see it above the bedroom door now, see? Not sure how long he's been with us, at least a month but I'm not bothered. I'm glad he chose this joint to spin a web, spiders eat bugs.
My point is I know jack shit about'em other than they bug the shit outta me. I'm pretty sure there's not a bug in existence I'd hesitate applying foot pressure against if necessary and I'm 100% sure this is my first time writing about one. They sound so cool!
They're native to The South, drummer bugs. Locals claim they're immune to the drum-like nature echoing across town loud enough closed windows in a moving vehicle can't silence them, "I hardly hear'em anymore." Between April and June is the only time they're active. You know those little handheld drum things with two strings and balls attached to the end of the strings you twist back and forth? That's what it sounds like outside, millions and tens of millions and hundreds of millions of hand held drum ball instrument things in every direction.
I never heard one until a few weeks ago. One quiet morning on my way to the gym wasn't quiet anymore, they were just there and have since grown louder each day.
Periodical Cicadas they're called, drummer bugs they should've been called. Shitty life if you ask me. They live underground in nymph stage between 13 - 17 years—underdeveloped 95.5% of their life. Then between April and June in the northeastern United States only, they emerge from darkness where fellas take center stage. "Hey Ladies!!"
Those drums are their mating call. Seven weeks from the day they emerge they'll be dead. During that window is their only opportunity to find a partner and reproduce otherwise their entire existence was nonexistent. Explains the volume intensity in the air between now and June.
'Well hello beautiful! (ɖʀʊʍ ɖʀʊʍ ɖʀʊʍ) I'm a (ɖʀʊʍ) Taurus ya dig? (ɖʀʊʍ ɖʀʊʍ ɖʀʊʍ ɖʀʊʍ ɖʀʊʍ ɖʀʊʍ ɖʀʊʍ ɖʀʊʍ ɖʀʊʍ ɖʀʊʍ ɖʀʊʍ ɖʀʊʍ ɖʀʊʍ) I'm hypnotized by your bright red eyes and your wings are doin things I can't explain between my thighs Wanna Fuck?!'
That's how they roll. 13 - 17 years underground, emerge for less than two months toward the end of spring, find a mate, and 'mate' each other to death.
She'll then take her fertilized eggs to a predetermined tree with deep grooves and cracks in it she scoped out before allowing one of the fellas to scope her out. She doesn't have much time. She'll be flopping around on the ground somewhere in less than two hours. They do that their final 10 - 15 minutes until either morphing back into the earth or becoming bird food, whichever comes first. Hence she secures her nest before the fertilizer.
That's a long waiting period for two months of daylight and one piece of ass before you're six feet under which explains why they're so intense out there right now. 17 years underground and underdeveloped fantasizing about their one and only partner and less than two months to make it happen explains the loudest, finest tuned, echoes the most without a metronome ɖʀʊʍ ⓒirⓒle The South and Alabama ever heard.
