Wheat and Corn products. Wheat is full of goodness. Best kinds to buy are the Refined Round-Up Ready Glyphosphate laden. The good news, this is also the least expensive type of wheat. Don't forget to mix it up with hearty quantity of goodness with GMO Corn products when you get tired of the abundant lifestyle afforded by Wheat products. (For proof, please watch the weekend morning cartoon commercials, and take notice of the beautiful smiling children).
Lots of Sweeteners. The refined sugars from the Big-Agra monocrops, filled with insecticides, pesticides and herbacides are really good (don't want any bugs in your food). High Fructose Corn Syrup is also a healthy choice. Last but not least, liberal use of artificial sweeteners like Aspartame or even a nice of mix 'itols' (Sugar Alcohols) like Sorbitol, Malitol, Manitol , and Xylitol help usher in a wonderful life. (For proof, please watch the day time soap opera commercials that are constantly showing you the happy families afforded by the goodness of these sweeteners).
Partially Hydrogenated and Trans-fat goodness. They are not really FATs so to speak, thank god. Add Trans-fat to everything. Don't forget liberal quantities of artificial creamers for your Big Box Store Coffee in your Styrofoam cup. Can you say yum? Don't forget to cook with these on high, wouldn't wanna miss out on any added carcinogens.
Alcohol (by the shit loads) and it's complement the Cigarette - nothing is more healthy than twice weekly heavily intoxicated, marathon TV filled sports days. Make sure to bang your chest with a buddy every time your team scores, even if your chests are blocked by beer belly. If it's cold, stay inside and Smoke, but please blow the smoke outside, as the Cigarette producers have deemed 2nd hand smoke dangerous. These guys are so great, that they did the studies themselves without any outside pressures, and are giving you all the proper informed warning signs of their own free will, even at the cost of their profits.
Work Hard - rest rarely. This the key to getting into a house with a huge mortgage, extremely high car payments, and an abundance of Gold Credit Cards. The more you work, the less you will sleep, so it's like a 2 for 1 deal. Not to mention, you will climb the corporate ladder and likely learn the art of propaganda that is required of all effective middle managers.
Stay away from the Sun, breathe vey little fresh air, and never hang out in nature. Nothing is more dangerous than these wild and crazy (Anarchist) places, since they lack the eleventy billion rules that are in place to keep you safe and will likely get you the Zika Virus. In fact, hiding out in a Moldy Modern House in a highly Wet or Humid environment, taking regular vaccines, and eating from items 1 thru 3 above, while working yourself to death is likely the best advice you have ever been given.
Many more suggestions saved for the next installment.