The AI in these smart phones are getting pretty good...I entered my food intake this week and the ambulance is already at my house!

The blond studied hard before going to the mechanic to avoid getting ripped off. So she knew it was a good deal when the mechanic sold her the turn-signal fluid.

Donald could save money by building the wall with Hillary's emails...noone can get over them!

I'm perturbed by the thought that both the optimist and pessimist agreed with me when I asked them “is this the best world we can produce?”

Who's smarter a dolphin that evades human capture and has to hunt for food in the wild, or the one that gets caught and gets his food thrown to him everyday?

The car honks outside the bar that Pavlov walks into, he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."

I just remembered again that my therapist told me a couple years ago that I have problems about letting go of the past

Whoops I just saw your text from yesteday...are you still at the movies?

When the husband retires, the wife gains a full-time job.

A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been outside yet.

3 hours passed since I left for an errand and returned and my blond girlfriend was still staring at the orange juice container. I said what on earth are you doing? She said the container says 'concentrate'

I had had enough and I had to put my foot down when my wife said 'stop impersonating a flamingo'.

“MAYDAY MAYDAY! We're going down!” the helicopter pilot screamed. “What happened?!” shouted the control tower. The blond pilot yelled back “It was getting cold so I turned the fan off!”

I think I might be getting old, my beard no longer implies 'Distinguished Gentleman” instead it seems to be getting me senior discounts when I shop

My wife said nothing would make her happier for Christmas than a diamond tiara. I can't wait until she opens her box of nothing!

When I was young I had this rare disease that the only way I could survive was eating dirt 3 times a day. I'm still happy my older brother knew how to fix this disease.

I'm thinking that Google miiiiight be a woman. She's always giving me suggestions before I even finish typing.

Sometimes it's difficult explaining adult things to children. I told my 4 year old son it's perfectly normal to poop your pants, but he still is laughing at me.

My boss congratulated me for my job well done...with more work.

Who else is a good multi-tasker? I've mastered wasting time, procrastinating, and not doing anything ...all at the same time!