Ah yikes. Ah man. Yeah.
Fear is a helluva drug. Stress is too. The brain is a pretty powerful machine. It can get pretty hectic.
I'm at perhaps the biggest crossroads of my life. The timing is very strange. The timing for many moments of my life have always been strange. Everything has been a random jumble for me. I dread change, and I dread pain. But I've received steady doses of both of those things for many years now.
From a global, historical perspective, sure I've had it fairly good in many aspects of my life. I didn't, and haven't, lived in a cave. I didn't have to fend for myself in the raw wilderness. I didn't get physically beaten as a child more than like isolated, rare deserved moments for the most part. I had shelter, clothes, and food. I also had some bonuses too, some good times thrown in.
But I also am all too aware of how much I was neglected. Maybe it's simple envy. Maybe I'm weak and ungrateful. Maybe my ungrateful, crappy attitude is also genetic.
I suppose the answer is, as usual, the obvious one. It's probably a combination of everything.
I'm at a very strange age of my life and I've literally never thought about being this old. I've literally never made much of a long term plan, ever.
I remember my mom would always want the best at all times. Wether she provided it, or when it came to her expectations of me. My mom was never ever this loving being, she was very sort of business-like I guess?
Life was pretty non stop, and my mom was unpredictable at times. I often strived for some simplicity. I distinctly remembered wanting a simple summer. A moment to breathe. I missed my friends.
As I got older, I vaguely understood that adults got jobs and everything, and that college was important etc. But I think, without even realizing it, I began to really resent the pressure, and the expectations.
In addition, I was never once was explained what the big picture of everything was. I never had the natural instinct, or was never really able to grasp as to why my mom pushed me so much. Like WHY must I strive to be awesome all the time? What is the purpose of like, getting a good job? Just the money? I always struggled to pick an interest. I think if I had a dad to maybe sit me down, and tell me how society works the way it does, and how dog-eat-dog the world is, I'd have had more of a sense of urgency.
I think my mom, as much as she tried, struggled to connect with me as a growing young man. Perhaps she assumed I was supposed to have some natural instinct to just like, gather resources or something.
I think also, I was always ok with NOT having the best of the best, and being excellent 24/7. There was a neighbor across the street with this super tiny home, and it just seemed peaceful. He led a quiet life, and just seemed super regular. I liked the idea of super regular.
But that's when I think I developed a massive, unearned ego. I wanted this normal minimalist-ish life, but at the same time, I was still feeling the former weight of expectations and the weight of this unknown force that I should be doing better or something. This force was likely from years of my mom pushing me I guess.
Again, to be blunt, I think being raised by a single mom didn't help here. She could never ever prepare me for what adult life as a man was going to be like.
Now I'm at a later stage in life, contemplating certain things I should have maybe contemplated years ago, and I'm still unsure what the real move is.
I have developed new resentments, new fears. Maybe I'm learning, but it's also hurting. Ugh.
I look at how the world works, and I have such a weird point of view. At least that's how it feels. I don't actually think my perspective is all that one of a kind. I think it feels that way because prior generations make me feel like an outsider. But my single mother upbringing is all the more common these days. The economy is wildly different from prior generations. Social media has made me, and millions of others, all too aware.
I'm a pretty big fan of history and for years I really tried to give the prior generation the benefit of the doubt. I respect the world they created, but it wasn't all the prior generation. Much of it was my grandparents generation and prior. The more I learn about history, I am starting to look at my mother's generation in a much different way. And it's honestly mostly negative.
Respect goes both ways, people my age need to start looking out for themselves because we have our whole lives ahead of us.
Hive on folks.
