Tonight was supposed to be my first Kanye West concert. I overpaid. I was excited. My Twitter account was on #Kanye for a week. And then it was cancelled. He ranted. He checked out. He cancelled. And he checked into a hospital.
I won’t belittle mental health problems, so get well Kanye. But that’s not going to stop me from giving you my rant, in place of tonight’s show:
Kanye: you haven’t played in Denver in 8 years, and even though you schedules us every tour – with mountains, with floating stages – we get cancelled. We don’t care about the old Kanye, the new Kanye, or the Reality TV Kanye. Just give us a show, Kanye.
While we’re on you, Kanye, let’s talk Life of Pablo. Can I get a PHYSCIAL edition of the CD, bro? I’m looking at a wall of over 1800 CDs as I rant. Seven of those have “Kanye West” on them. Can I complete my collection? Why you gotta be the first artist to stream only when all these other guys keep pressing CDs for people like me?
And streaming on Tidal? Give me a break. You talk about how streaming wars are ruining the art, but you’re an artist who makes money off of Tidal streams as part owner. That’s hypocrisy, bro. That’s like Kim coming out against internet porn after her sex tape dropped. You’re better than that, bro. Sell your stake in Tidal. Ain’t no beef between you and Jay Z or Drake if there’s no streaming war. So end it. You have the power.
I mentioned The Throne. I know you’re worried about getting your “head shot” by Jay Z’s people. I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Jay loves you man. He’s only been supportive his entire life. Stop the paranoia. You’re on the same team. We need “N----- in Prague.”
I like focus Kanye. You ain’t focused. Too much fashion. Too much Twitter. You starring in a movie soon? Let’s get back to the songs. People will come around.
Let’s get a Cudi tour up in here, maybe an album. You and Cudi are special. It’s about time you make that happen. Nevermind this Jay Z stuff. He can go home to Beyonce. You go home to Cudi. We’re happy with you. You get another shot that way.
Finally, I’m still Kanye 2020. But as a government teacher, I got some news for you bro. You’re never going to get there not voting. Even in this stupid election. 60 percent of the people in the country voted. You can’t win if that many people are not down with you, all because you didn’t vote. They’ll vote for people who did. I bring it back right now to you: focus, bro. The music. The production. The tour. The music videos. Show me more naked Taylor Swift and I’ll show you album sales, bro. You’ll be out of debt before you know it.
No more begging Zuckerburg. No more Twitter rants. Just “Jesus Walks” into a “Golddigger,” listening to “Otis,” while searching for “Diamonds from Sierra Leone,” catching the “Waves,” while “On Sight.”
Do that for us, you “Black Skinhead.” Your fans make you Kanye. We buy your shoes. We buy your concert tickets, even though you cancel EVERY SINGLE TOUR. We buy your clothes. We buy your music. Some of us even bought Tidal.
Get focused and get back to basics. You'll be amazed what that does for a guy's sanity.
The end. (Mic drop.)
