When it comes down to creating something I’m not doing it. That’s why I wanted to write something for that purpose. Even if its about the act of non-creation. At least I am creating haha! As lame as it sounds I want to get more frequent with this. I beat myself up time and time again for NOT doing things. So I want to get into the habit of actually creating something AND sharing it. I can create things here in my private domain but its more fun to create something and share something even if it sucks.
I spend a lot of time in my head. And not in my body. Not in my hands. I spend a lot of time just wasting time basically. It can be seen as all a waste of time but yeah. I don’t know. I just want to get something out into hte world. More often. I am tired of just sitting around and at the end of the day/when I wake up dissapointed, anxious, depressed, uninspired, etc. I don’t even care about being perfect right now. I just want to get into the habit of creating something “artistic”. I am using the Pomodoro Method where you set a task in motion by eliminating distraction, setting a timer for 25 minutes which equals to 1 pomodoro. I don’t need to explain it here you can look it up yourself :) Also I was told music helps. So right now I am listening to Xiu Xiu’s ‘Forget’ I want to try to make this as simple as possible. So I am “aiming” for 1 Pomodoro to write. If it’s under 25 minutes thats ok too.
I just wanted to share a bit. Here are thoughts currently swirling in my head.
Get a new job, Quit your job, Create something, Stop wasting time, Regret of being at my job for 2 years, Not making any money, Paying rent, Knowing that I can do a whole hell of a lot better, Spending too much time alone But also wanting to spend time alone, veganism, Not knowing how to spend my time and ending up using that time just watching wasting time online or something, running out of steam, waiting for a package of liposomal glutathione, dealing with regret, needing to get out of my head more, creating something, knowing that life is special and not to waste it, wanting to get back to “me”, feeling unconscious (going or doing things I clearly don’t want to do).
That list is okay but it would be cooler if I could flesh it out a bit more. But for right now its okay.
I want to be able to work on creative things for long stretches of time. I want to be able to not get distracted and succumb to distractions such as wasting time online and stuff.
I have a bunch of mental hangups mainly due to fear. And it scares me how content I can be just being boring. But the thing is I don’t mind being “boring” as long as I’m being productive. Because to me that’s not boring at all. It may be difficult but its not boring. I must say this does feel good to be writing this right now. Just being in the flow of creating something and knowing I will share it soon. Just the process of it is something I haven’t done in a while. I want to be on fire basically at all times. Or at least times when I really want to create.
Laying on bed watching YouTube isn’t me. I mean it can certainly be apart of me but it just pains me how I have been doing that for such a long time it feels. And then when I look at more pressing things like my job or something 2 years just fly by. I want to do things faster and not think about doing them so much. I want to create more. I want to understand reality. And not be so afraid. I want to help people. I want to put myself out there. Even if its behind the computer at first. I want to push myself an discover who I am but really just help others as well. I don’t want to be on the computer or behind closed doors creating things all the time. I don’t know. I don’t have to work with others because I like working alone. But what I mean is I just want to create and share more. It sure beats procrastinating and wasting time and feeling in my head all the time. Like, its weird. Not creating feels so sad to me. And its weird how long and how many years I have done this. I mean its all well and good its just regretful I suppose. I want my days to feel full not empty. I want to be better. And not do things because I feel like I should. I think this is a good first attempt for sure. Because I am actually doing and gonna share it soon. It feels good. I urge you to do the same :)
What do you think?
