Daily Thoughts

The truth is I don’t want a job. The truth is I just want to sit here and write. I almost have to forget everything else. I would like to feel more zen and inspired. I feel calm right now though. Lately I’ve been listening to Marconi Union - Weightless to relieve anxiety when I’m at home. I think I want things to be perfect. I’m not sure where to sit sometimes. Do I sit on the chair and write or at my desk? It doesn’t matter that much. But being in the chair is relaxing and more open. This feels a little more constrained and tight and not entirely visually appealing. I think its good for focus though because I have more-or-less gotten rid of distractions. I want to feel more alert and very focused on whatever work it is I am doing. I want to find my purpose. I want to make money today. I want to really put the work in today. I want to feel very productive today. What does a productive day look like? I want to buy the book Master Your Workday Now. Should I buy the ebook version or hard cover? I was also looking for the “free” version to download :)

I have been getting sick of my job. I didn’t go today because I felt what’s the point. I would like to make the equivalent amount of money each day just to see if it’s possible. These days I just want to work the bare minimum and focus on what I care about. I just turned 32. I shouldn’t be making $8/hr at this age. It just doesn’t add up and quite frankly its embarrassing and foolish. I know that I just accept it. But mentally I am done with this approach because it has yielding nothing really aside from wasted time, disappointment, and regret. I just don’t want to go anymore. Others who are younger than me have done it. I feel very lame even talking about this anymore because I know complaining does nothing. I just need to learn to let it go. Forget about your age. Forget about your wage. Just focus on the now. What can you do right now to change it. Think. What can you do. Everything is within your power. I could literally walk to work hand in my keys and say, “I’m done.” I don’t feel like doing that though because its slightly scary but more so its a waste of my time haha. I don’t even feel like talking about this anymore but I want to move past it.

But by writing about it, talking about it, etc. I am giving it more energy and power. Really, I just want to focus on what I have do, not what I have or haven’t done. Another thing I can do is email my boss and say I can’t do this anymore and just either flat out quit or put in my 2 weeks. I just worry about paying rent and bills and things like that. But ugh that is so boring and stupid. Just do what it takes man. Don’t sit on your hands and be like ho hum I’m worried. It might be scary for a second but think about how much you’ll gain. I don’t want to irresponsible though but yeah. I just want to write. I want my writing to feel good. I want to post on steemit and have people respond to it. I want to make money writing on steemit. I want to make a lot of money. Let’s set a goal. I would like to make $1,000/month writing on steemit.

How can I achieve this? I will write meaningful posts that help me and help others at the same time. I will do what it takes to get my mind right. I will listen to Paraliminals that help me with money and creating value. I will take odd jobs just to survive. I am just so bored with my current situation. I want to be more clear and focused everyday. I want to be a more interesting person who can achieve great things. Not show up to work and be like looking around stupidly complaining I wish I wasn’t there. I wish I could airbnb or lyft or something just to be able to pay for things just in case. But to shift my focus on things that matter to me. I don’t even need to get it right right out of the gate. That’s not the important thing. The important thing is to shift my focus on things I want to do. I just want to feel good. When I think about talking to people sometimes it doesn’t feel good. I know now that this is anxiety. I project it to be an unpleasant situation. Its when I think I am sounding dumb and unrelaxed. I just want to feel and sound smart. And when I feel like that’s not the case, then I ruminate and don’t enjoy it. I don’t know. Socializing feels weird to me. Like it doesn’t feel as good as I want it to sometimes. Maybe I just need a different approach to this though. I need to practice. And I need to read more definitely and write more definitely. I want to feel in the flow of my life, not going against it. It’s okay to not feel smart, it’s okay to sound dumb, and imperfect. What gets me down is when I feel I’m not performing my best. I don’t feel relaxed and myself so-to-speak. Talking to Win is another Paraliminal that would help with this. I need to listen to them more regularly anyhow. I’m not sure if I should listen to random ones or have a goal in mind and listen to those ones accordingly.

I want my life to feel fulfilling. Sometimes it just doesn’t. Like, I think I want every situation to be positive. I don’t know though, like right here, right now I am happy. All the other stuff just feels like noise to me. But on the same token, thats where the magic happens. I can’t just sit here behind a computer all day and feel good about my life. It’s more like, I need to live my life and then come back to the computer to write or whatever. I really just want to have fun with life. I was given a gift to experience life and not valuing my time gets to me. I want to feel more serious about life in some aspects and silly and care-free about others. I want to read personal development books and implement their practices. A lot of times I feel so scatter-brained that I can’t quite focus. I think I expect to yield results before I even put the work in or something. Or the fact that I’m so hard on myself prevents me from enjoying things. I really feel I am a content creator. As lame as that sounds, but its true. I don’t know. I want to be myself again. I don’t care if I spend a lot of time doing work behind my computer. I want to balance the work-life anyhow. I want to understand life more and more and not be afraid. Or I can be afraid but still go after something. It would make it more fulfilling. Some things just don’t feel good to me though, so its difficult to get motivated to do them. I want to get smarter about life and not feel like I need to grind it out so to speak. I was given a body and a mind but am not using them in the best practices possible. It’s okay though.

To be spiritual, I feel we are not humans experiencing spiritually, but rather the complete opposite. I feel we are spiritual beings given a body and mind to experience what it means to be a human. It just makes complete and utter sense to me now. No wonder I am shitty at certain things. Things take time and things take practice. It’s so funny though, I can hardly explain it. I think there is definitely something to do it though, like to gain skills you need to come in contact with it and almost be child-like with it to explore it fully. I want to embrace my 30s not squander them away like I sort of did with my 20s. I want to feel 32. Making $8/hr at a coffee shop does not feel like a responsible 32 year old should feel. I honestly don’t even know how it got to that point. But, make to something more positive haha. Yeah, I want to feel like how a 30 year old should feel. But that sentence doesn’t really makes sense either. But I feel like there is still this younger side of me that is trying to clutch on for dear life but its hurting my reality. I mean, there are probably a lot of Peter Pan’s out there. I don’t really know if I feel like that, maybe a little bit. But what I’m trying to say is I want to be more responsible for my life and not wish things were different. I want to be bold and experience life to to fullest. I want to do the things that make me happy. I want to see what other people are doing and think, “why not me?”, “I could do that”. I want to be friends with people who inspire me and lift me, not bring me down or make me feel weird. I want to give myself freedom.

I want to unlock certain parts of my brain and consciousness that I didn’t know were there in the first place. I want to experience more epiphanies. I want to be in the flow state. I want really know how to express myself. Sometimes I feel like a total dumbass socializing. Like when I don’ know things that makes me feel weird because it feels like I can’t contribute. I am not real good at “real things” socially. This is another area I would like to improve upon. I want to be able to really be on fire socially basically. I want to be able to express myself and “sound smart”. I feel like I am okay, but I want to be on fucking fire!!! lI am pretty hard on myself though. I don’t feel I’m a total dumbass.

I just thought about what it would be like to not have a job and be doing the same thing I am right now. It felt scary haha. It felt anxiety-provoking, but also fun in a way. I don’t know. I feel like I have trouble connecting with others when I feel like they are smarter than me. But at the same time, I want to spend time with them. It’s just that when I speak and feel like I sound not intelligent, and don’t know wtf I’m talking about thats when I get down on myself. And be like, why aren’t I smart? Am I smart? I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I am but other times really not. I am not sure why. Like when I don’t know about something that feels weird. I don’t know though, I try not to focus on it so much and try to learn from it. I need to stop expecting things to be so perfect. I feel its a good and bad thing. I think its good because it makes me feel like I am in the moment, but it also makes me feel not human. I don’t know though. I say I don’t know too much. STOP IT!!! haha jk. Don’t yell @ yourself gregg.

I am not sure what is inside of me but it doesn’t feel human. It feels more than that. How can this be? Haha. This is so weird but I’m going with it. It really doesn’t feel that weird though. But I feel like we are all trying to be this person, but really it just feels like a ball of energy. Or better yet, tt feels like this non-form that is somehow “trapped” inside this body. And it tries to connect with other non-forms and/or learn from them. I don’t know. haha. I just feel like this life isn’t to be wasted, and sometimes it feels like that. It feels like there is something more and it is somehow tied to communication. It feels like a terrible way to communicate. Or maybe not, it kind of amazes me honestly. How can I be bored with a thought like that? It took me a while to get to this point. Sometimes when I say something it feels like I hate it but I just want to get it out anyways. I think life sometimes, reality, feels too real for me. That’s when it feels boring to me. When it just feels too normal. Like I feel uninspired to get to know people or talk to them because they talk about “real things”. I don’t know. I don’t feel like I am better at all, but i think thats where i struggle. When I just want to exist and take it in and talk but the things people talk about sort of bore me sometimes. It just feels like noise.

At the same time though, I feel like I am too stuck in my head and talking to people is a great way to get out of your head. And it doesn’t feel healthy to stay stuck in my own head sometimes. There are a lot of days like this I have. I think part of me fears it. Or I just expect it to not be pleasant, so I avoid it. I just want things to feel good and I want to expect them to be good. Or at least feel in control of it and sound intelligent. I want to be a master of articulation and practice it and get really good. Another thing I thought of recently and something I need to delve into more is my career. And possibly pursuing a career as a writer. I did go to school for film and screenwriting was my favorite class. I don’t necessarily have to do that, but it does sound interesting to me. It definitely appeals to me and I could see myself happy doing it too. There is still apart of me that has resistance to it due to fear. I feel like it won’t be fun or enjoyable being around people. I like being alone. I enjoy being alone with my thoughts. Luckily, writing is a good medium for that. Another thing would be an animator. I could just do this on my own too and that would be a really fun project to work on. I just want a fulfilling career. Or in simpler terms, just enjoy what I’m doing and get paid for it so I can enjoy life some more. I am not sure where stop this I could keep going on and on forever haha. I’m glad though. I’m glad I took the time to write this. Even if no one reads it. And even if I don’t make any money off of it, I still did it. I still got it off my chest, and I should be proud of it. I reached the flow state numerous times throughout. I need to jot down what worked for me with this. Let me do that now.