Hi
Right now I feel like i am wasting my life. I took this week off to clear my head so to speak. Lately I have been feeling really weird because I have so much time and when I try to hang out with people I can’t chill for some reason. Part of the reason for that is because I have bills that are overdue and stuff. And I am broke right now. So I am trying to do things to at least stop the bleeding. I rack my brain a lot for wasted time and being distracted a lot and just wasting time etc etc.
I feel alright right now with that because I am using the Pomodoro Method to get shit done. I don’t know though. The days feel so long and I spend the majority of them alone. It would be better if I had sort of a plan throughout the day. I get lost during the middle of the day pretty much. The mornings I love because it just feels right and not this sort of wandering/lost feeling. I want to get to a point where I just am working a lot. I feel like that would make my days feel a lot better and not wasted. I mean its not anything new but what I mean by working is working on something creative or important to me. Not for someone else really. I don’t know. I don’t like the fact that I waste my days. I just want to feel productive. Well this Pomodoro thing works so that’s nice :) I took this week off to clear my head. I’m sorry this is so scatter-brained its just how I need to get the thoughts out. I want to feel better about my time and my days and everything basically. I noticed I try to be perfect with things I do or say and that doesn’t really work. Umm…I’m not sure. Like I feel behind in a lot of ways. I am 31. I work at a coffee shop. To me this is super lame at this point. I really just want to quit. What am I holding onto there? It makes me sad I haven’t done anything but this is a stupid way to think. I shouldnt’ be so hard on myself but I do feel I should be doing a lot more than I am. Instead of waiting around for shit to happen I AM THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO MAKE IT HAPPEN!
I feel better at least writing this down. It’s helping me clear my head a bit even though its sort of all over the place. It doesn’t matter though. What am I looking for? I just want to feel good. I expect to feel good at all times. I’m not sure. I don’t think thats super unrealistic. I don’t know. I think I’m running out of things to say right now.
I think I need to reassess my life and where it is headed. I just need to unplug from the stuff I know isn’t working and start doing things that do work. I am not sure why I am so lazy and unmotivated or whatever. I’m like on edge too much. I need to relax. I need to exercise. I need to embrace life. Sometimes I just don’t want to though. I tend to avoid life to be honest. But someone who loves to read about personal development this bothers me a lot. I don’t know. I think its part of it. I am just learning even when I feel I’m not. I know what doesn’t work at least. I get mad at myself for just being unproductive and lazy. I need stuff to get me out of the house I’m sure. Surround myself with creative and interesing people. I say that but sometimes I just say stuff and don’t follow through. I am worried about my money situation but I’ll get through it.
I want to start heading in a more positive direction for myself though. And actually doing things that are more me. What are those things? Personal development, video, drawing, painting, consciousness. The problem is I can’t be productive all day. I don’t know. I lose steam. But this pomodoro method is working nicely. It’s just getting into that is the key. The entire day feels daunting. And then things throw me off. Its why I like being alone because I feel at least I can control things a bit better.
