"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."-Jeremiah 1:5
There are some people or person(s) who are already appointed by God himself even before they are conceived by their mothers. My point being that whatever happens that person whether he likes it or not will fulfill his/her destiny whatever that task they will do maybe.
So whatever careful planning that I would do if it is not God's will it will not happen. The bad thing is that I do not know if I am already fulfilling my destiny or not because there are no visions, dreams, hallucinations, or whatever hint that I should be doing in order to fulfill that mysterious destiny if there ever was in the first place.
But obviously I have a plan and God bless it to all happen. I already had blogged about it many times over and it is not much to ask about if God doesn't always automatically block your prayers with Cumulonimbus clouds as he does with the prayers of evil people.
I still see a glimmer of hope for my plans to happen that is why I am currently working on it and God bless the people or the selfless steemians that is helping me throughout these rock route to those seemingly impossible to achieve medical goals that I wanted to happen.
It will only of course happen if I have saved enough funds and God-willing if I do I will skippity-hop to the nearest specialty Endoctrinologist-Surgeon and let them asses my current condition. I know that they would probably set me aside and turn me away and off because of their first sight on me probably but if they would take me as their patient that will be the most delightful news that I will ever hear from a doctor.
I always am forgetting about my Liver condition because I do have the two Liver Viruses in me. It was the reason that I was not treated with my Kidney ailment by the Nephrologist in Manila and after that they just made me and my Mother go back and forth with no medicines given except hypertensive medication aimed to prolong my failing Kidney's life as the increased blood pressure really has a bad effect on the Kidneys which I do not now of until many years later.
And so after two years me and my mother decided not to go anymore to the hospital because of the said reasons. I just sunked my head in the sand praying that nothing wrong will happen which indeed happened after some years.
I didn't pursue in treating my Liver condition because of course I have no money then. I estimated that I can get the treatment now for maybe Hepatitis B only but not Hepatitis C. I could not get them both treat currently because my priority is my Parathyroid medicine and my Phosphate binder medication which I needed much and ti is a necessary medication for my Parathyroid not to pump much hormones into my system.
It is my plan to really treat my Liver condition and i guess that if a major surgery should happen they will make a clearance test for my Liver and they would probably treat it first among other wrong things in my body.
Everything or almost everything is possible with money. So if I would have the money for my health goals I will really spend it just for me to have an improved life that at least is free from pain and further complications.
But if all else fails I again will use my money just to make myself as comfortable as possible. Maybe I would hire some help to move myself around the house and probably renovate this house to make it more functional, secure, safe, and comfortable for me to live into along with my parents.
Then of course I would buy a vehicle that I could use to transport myself to and from dialysis or me and myself to the doctor or the hospital along with my medical supplies. It should be enough to be practical to drive and not a gas-guzzler like other cars.
May God forbid for me to live after my parents because it will be a ton of hardship greeting me if one or both of my parents would not be around anymore. Our parents are the ones that binds us with my siblings and even if my sibling would take me in, how could they ever cope with my peculiar medical needs now that I am in a worse condition imaginable as my bones are slowly being digested by its own body's malfunction.
So I do not want to be a burden anymore to my sibling especially now that they have families and their children are not even close to me as well being freaked-out by my appearance. So it is a sweeter option for me just to be in a hospice care house where nobody will ever be burdened anymore which is good for my siblings while to my other relatives it is given that in no possible way that they would even take a glimpse of me.
The Finale Of My Life Is Sad
I am accepting the fact that all these goals of mine are just like a shot on the Moon, meaning it is impossible if there will not be a miracle from God. But the thing is that I did received and now enjoying the miracle of not having to require a blood transfusion anymore. Normally dialysis patients are plagued by severe anemia as our Kidneys doesn't produce Erythropoeitin (EPO) hormones that is responsible for the blood marrow to produce red blood cells.
That is why I was able to survive taking my Parathyrooid medicine (cinacalcet) because if I do not have any appetite from the start I would not be able to eat anymore. My non-anemic state made my system a bit strong although I am in much pain and everything.
Now I am really afraid of my capitulation not the death itself but the road to it, all the additional pain and worries surrounding the near future. So I am just distracting myself with blogging and online chats so in this way at least I have something that makes me feel a bit better even in an online manner mostly. May God help me.
