I feel like I wasted a lot of my days already starting from when I abruptly told myself "Enough Is Enough" because I couldn't cope in my studies and physical education in College that it got me terrified also that we will going to play basketball? I couldn't even dribble the ball much less run around our basketball court which is poisoned by Mercury that my classmate had spilled when we are making an experiment, I even took some home and dispose it in the near canal in front of our gate.
My College life was done then and there, I wasn't able to say goodbye to some of my classmates and my friends had forgotten about me too. After that I just started to stay around, sitting around and not really working because again if I could not even go to College physically and mentally then it follows that I could not even work.
My body is not capable of working, I did tried but again due to my physical condition where I would sleep then (or at least tried) and when I wake up my face gets puffy with edema. It is the cause of my staying at home all the time since also I have no money to venture out on my own and again I would not be able to venture out because of my physical weakness.
So I got left idling by, sunk my head under the sand after stopping to see the doctors at the city where my mother and I had went ffor two years but I was not really getting fixed/cured because there is a complication that prevented the doctors to break the protocol of curing me.
After that I engaged in religious activities because I wanted to make sure that my spirit will not get burned before I die, I just have to make sure at least I have a chance of good life in heaven then in this world as I have thought that I will die soon but I didn't. I lasted until this day and still I do not know when I will die because I can't still feel it.
Any, I also feel the envy that some of my classmates in high school already have their own families and careers for some. Some even have grandchildren already while I myself wasn't even able to touch the first base of it all. So if you are like me you can really get frustrated especially now that I am already disfigured and disabled which was not like this so it is really hard to accept what happened in my life.
I have missed so many opportunities, so many people that I should have met and make friends with, I have missed my schooling, maybe my bride-to-be, a very best friend, careers, or maybe a business which is my idea right from the start. Of course I missed going places, vacations, mini-vacations, travels, visiting friends or relatives and making a strong bond to them. I missed it all and the frustration in my chest really is so great now that I couldn't express it in words.
My only chance is to go to heaven where there at least there is no more worries because things will get changed including this body of mine which is a subject of curiosities if not ridicule to some people, so much so that I am always choosing to be a hermit-like being so that I could escape the prying yes of the public.
But being a religious person as I am, I am not clinging about this life because the ultimate life that I wanted to live into is beyond life which life with God although right now I am still crazily trying to help myself live unto the next daylight because I have tasted what it it was to live normally so I just wanted to taste it again even for a little while.
