I remember growing up seeing how exhausted my dad was when getting home from work. There were three main things he wanted to do and that was shower, eat dinner and spend time with us before going to bed. He did not like to be bothered by visitors while eating dinner. When someone showed up unannounced it was not a pleasant reaction.
If the doorbell rang during dinner my brother, sister and I would look at each other with our ”uh oh” faces and hope it was none of our friends. If you didn’t call first or somehow announce you were stopping by he considered it rude, disrespectful to just come over at your own leisure. You never know what’s going on or what a family could be busy with. He taught us to always check to make sure our presence was welcome and we never showed up at anyone’s house without asking first.
The little time he had to relax in the evenings before going to bed was valuable to him and he wanted to enjoy those times with his family uninterrupted. We had a closed door policy. Eventually people start getting the hint and the spontaneous visits became less and less.
I used to try to reason with my dad and convince him that having guests anytime was a good thing. I told him he should want to have company and learn how to appreciate it more.
There were times when the guests actually made it into our house (definitely depending on who it was) and he did enjoy their company. He lightened up and forgot all about the spontaneous door knock. Although, after awhile you could see the frustration of the guests still being there show through his face and body language. He would start throwing hints of “your welcome has worn out, it’s time for you to leave now.” It’s like the longer they stayed the less welcome they were. Time was moving and time was something my dad did not have a lot of in the evenings. He was an electrician in the Union and had to start incredibly early in the mornings. He always made sure to get decent amounts of sleep to be able to handle the heavy work load everyday.
Seeing how my home was ran I decided I didn’t want mine to be that way. I wanted to have an open door policy where anyone could stop by, anounced or unannounced, spend time with my family and not be uncomfortable. I wanted everyone to feel loved and welcomed when they walked through my family’s door. I remember telling myself
whoever I marry has to feel the same way or it won’t work out between us.
I couldn’t wait to grow up, move out and experience having lots of company in my home. Yay for visitors!
I got what I asked for. My husband came from a totally different type of household. Their doors were always open. I thought it was so cool how they had an open door policy.
Years later...
I can recall this like it just happened yesterday. We were in our home playing a new game with our kids (enjoying our uninterrupted time together) when the doorbell rang, it was my mother-in-law. You would think I would say
How nice of her to stop by, she can play some games with us.
Well that was not the case. The next thing that came out of my mouth was a shocker. I knew in this moment my daddy’s ways had stayed within me and were living in my veins. I asked
Did she call?
My husband looked at me in this strange way and said
she doesn’t have to.
Oh goodness, I couldn’t believe I was turning into my dad. In the earlier years of our marriage I didn’t have a problem with people coming over and stopping by on a whim. It seems when we started having children and got more established as a family, my nerves would rise at unannounced visitors.
I began to understand why my dad was the way he was. When you only have so many hours in a day to spend with your family or plan some quality time, you really don’t want that time altered. Especially when you’re in the middle of having a good time. The spontaneous visits started happening more and more with his family and I became more and more unhappy with it.
I prayed about it and asked for help because I knew it would become a conflict within our marriage and I didn’t want it to go there. My husband and I had a long talk about it and I explained what I was feeling and went over how I was raised. I told him I didn’t want to be totally extreme about it but there needed to be some kind of compromise on how much his family comes by without calling.
I see why this saying is so popular ‘opposites attract’. My husband and I came from different door policies and each one was very extreme. My home was way too closed and his home was way too open. Their home was so open that the neighborhood kids started stealing from them and took advantage of their kindness. We decided together we would meet in the middle and help each other not be too extreme either way.
He helped me to be more relaxed (as I wanted to be from the beginning) about non-callers and I helped him to speak up more and put in his families mind that they need to be more considerate and call sometimes before just popping up. It ended up becoming a good balance in the end. Till this day his family calls more and I enjoy the pop ups more because they don’t happen as often. My family always texts or calls before they come over because that’s what we’re used to doing. My husband also helped me to be okay with making spontaneous visits to others. Oh boy that was so hard for me. I would always think
they’re gonna be so mad we didn’t call, they will tell us to leave, I can’t do this.
Majority of the time we were welcomed with open arms and people were quite happy that we surprised them.
It’s funny how we say we will be one way or do certain things and then the opposite happens. I never would have thought I would get irritated by having an open door. Having balance in a family is so important and it helps keep the home running more smoothly. I love my private quiet time but I also love when company comes over too :)
@rigaronib!