WHO I WAS
To describe exactly who I was in the past is almost impossible, for I was a girl who had no idea who I was or what I was doing. I tried to find my identity in so many things and when that failed I'd concluded that my life was worthless and I was a failure. Shocking coming from a girl raised in a Christian home huh? Unfortunately a lot of young people, yes even those raised in a Christian home, go through a lot of the same struggles I did. I felt like I was two different people : The good Christian girl who knew all the Bible stories and had all the right answers and the girl who had no answers for anything, that was struggling with her faith and purpose in life. Trying to hold everything together when everything inside me was crashing down was the hardest, most exhausting thing ever. My family watched their happy, bold little girl change into a depressed, secluded person right before their eyes... with no idea how to stop it. Anxiety, self-image, social anxiety, self-hatred, anorexia, depression, they don't just happen. They develope over time without you fully realizing what's going on and then BAM! They kick you to the ground with no desire to get back up. For all I knew I would be a chaotic mess forever. I didn't want to be this way but I didn't know how to change.
WHO I AM
Today I find myself slowly becoming a new person. My family is getting their daughter back and I've found my identity. When I discovered what my biggest stumbling block was I was able to start becoming the person God created me to be. All my life I tried to control things: my weight, what people thought of me, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go. I had accepted Christ but I never allowed Him to rule my life. It was me on the throne...not Him. So is that it? Do I no longer have problems like the past me? Definitely not!! I struggle everyday with them. Heck, there are days where I feel like the same girl and it's frustrating! But things like anxiety, self hatred, and depression don't just give up and go away. It's a way of thinking, a battle, that you continue to fight each day as God teaches you to trust Him and let go of control. It's not an easy fight but God gives you the strength and hope to overcome it. So who am I? I am a daughter of the King who is learning how special and beautiful I am in God's eyes. Only His opinion of me matters.. and because of that I will never be the same.
WHO I WANT TO BE
I have many things I dream of being but there is one that tops them all. My greatest wish is to be a strong woman of God who is confident of her worth and purpose. Who is in love with the person God made her to be. I want to be someone people trust and confide in. Someone who is slow to judge and instead holds her arms out in welcome to those in need of comfort and a friend. I long to be a good wife and mother who teaches her children to be kind and forgiving, and shows her husband respect and understanding. But most importantly I want to be a girl who forever surrenders to Christ and follows down the path He has in store, no matter how scary it may be. There are many things I have said no to out of fear and the need to control. So now I'm saying yes. Yes God I will go where you want me to go. Yes God I will say what you want me to say. Yes God I will do what you want me to do. Yes God I will be who you want me to be. That's who I want to be.
