WHAT IS MY CALLING?
From the young age of ten God had already laid upon my heart a passion to serve and to help. But who would I serve? And how could I help? Four years later God showed me exactly how I would help and who I would serve. I was to help teen and young adult girls who were going through depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, self harm, self worth, anorexia, etc. I didn’t know how I was going to do that but I knew God would tell me eventually. Around that time I started putting my love for writing to use and began writing devotional for teen girls. I loved writing them and shared them with my friends who then would send them to girls they knew needed to read them. I was shocked to see that God was using me already...in some small way. But then I stopped writing them. I started overthinking and I asked myself why I thought I could write about something I had never experienced and expect others to listen to me? And in doing that I took God right out of my writing. It wasn’t me writing those devotionals. It wasn’t me coming up with the right words to say. It was God. Yet in that moment I totally ignored that fact and told God that He had the wrong girl for the job. Looking back now I can just see God shaking His head, chuckling, as He says “my daughter, I never make mistakes.”
Sadly I had to learn that the hard way. In the years to come my relationship with God started drifting away. Don’t get me wrong, He was always by my side, it was me that walked away. Everything that I inwardly struggled with came to the surface and I suddenly found myself in a fast spiral downwards. All those problems I thought I couldn’t write about because I had never experienced them suddenly became all to real to me. God stayed by my side and helped me through even when I fought against Him and tried to ignore Him. I didn’t want to do what He had created me to do. Why? Because of fear. I was afraid that if I let go and stopped fighting, God would take me outside of my comfort zone and I wouldn’t be able to control things anymore. I laugh now because I was never in control in the first place. God knew that but He patiently waited for me to realize it on my own. I recently asked God why He called someone who was so hard headed and stubborn and His reply brought me to tears....He said “I knew when I created you with a strong-willed mind and a stubborn spirit that getting you to the place of surrender would be a long and painful journey. I didn’t want to see you struggle through so much but I knew it was the only way for you to learn and understand everything I needed you to. In time, my daughter, you will see why I created you to be stubborn and strong-willed. They are two of your greatest features and will help you greatly throughout your life if you use them correctly...trust me, I make no mistakes.”
WHERE WILL I GO?
I don’t know the answer to that question yet. But while I’m waiting I am preparing myself for the journey He has planned for me..big or small.
WHY ME?
So why me? What impact could I do? Why not someone more qualified? Who knows what their doing. To be honest I still don’t understand why but I know in time God will tell me. It’s scary to think that I will have to be vulnerable. And often times I’ve almost let that fear keep me from letting God work through me, It’s hard to let go of fear and that’s something I fight with daily. But it’s a battle I’m going to win because I know God is fighting it with me. He never, NEVER makes a mistake. I was born for this!
