Farts!

Gas.

Not the kind you put in the car. Not the kind that powers everyone's favorite kind of stove. Not the bubbles in your British soda water.

I could be so lucky.

The dog, the cat, could be so lucky.

I'm talking about the ass trombone. The toot played by the musical fruit that in this case turns out to be the garlic clove. Or the fifteen or so garlic cloves I baked with the bok choy and mini peppers and drizzled with the fat of the pork belly broiling above it.

Oh, it was so good. Sweet, gooey garlic. Sticky mushy stinky browned lobes of culinary heaven.

Hours later and past midnight I'm farting myself awake, scaring the cat, and scurrying around the room with a jet-propulsion assist while I light sage and scented candles in an attempt to mask the odor, which, quite disturbingly, smells very much like the culprit. It's unfortunate that such a delightful aroma from such a delicious food will now and forever be associated with the knotted agony of playing the gastronomical didgeridoo, but at least this will prevent me from ever making this mistake again.

Garlic, as it turns out, is high in fructan, a type of carbohydrate that just loves to irritate the bowels of sensitive gut owners like myself, especially when consumed in quantities meant only to ward off vampires. While seeking googular enlightenment pertaining to my distress, I stumbled across a study that revealed that four out of five people who think they are gluten intolerant are actually fructan intolerant, as many foods containing gluten also contain large amounts of fructan. For a brief moment I celebrated, believing that I was that much closer to one day being able to drink beer and eat pizza like a normal American. However, upon reviewing the list of foods that contain gluten but not fructan and finding many familiar enemies, I retracted my excitement and went back into the self-pity hole of eternal gluten intolerance. The good news, however, is that I do not have a fructan intolerance. I just shouldn't eat two handfuls of garlic in one sitting unless I need to get out of an awkwardly intimate commitment.

There are no remedies or resolutions to the garlic gut gas party, so I'm forced to fart it out. To expedite the process I've been consuming large quantities of water in the hopes of flushing out the chemical reaction. So far all I've gotten out of that is an even more distended abdomen and a need to pee every five minutes. So I'm taking more drastic measures.

It's coffee time.

A friend of mine recently shared a meme which stated that not all humans feel the urge to shit upon consuming a cup of coffee. As we all know, memes are 100% reliable and backed by facts, so you can imagine how special I felt when I learned that I was a coffee pooper. Not just special, blessed. Because I'm going to use all the decaf instant coffee it takes to shit this garlic out of me so I can stop farting and go to fucking sleep and wake up again in five hours and start my day quietly.