The people I do not have good relationships with, either because I was not mature enough or just preferred loneliness. Time changes perspective, it is true, the way the mind works. With everything gone, there was something I acquired throughout the years. Consciousness or adapting, whatever you may call it.
The people I see, oblivious to the way they behave, by no fault of their own. Partially they do not care, or just lack the perspective in these niche circumstances.
I, for myself, have evolved into a creature of nature that hates it yet admires the way it pushes and complicates.
Choosing back would mean I may not be me.
Choosing back would mean I'd rather stay innocent than intact.
A year or two back, I may have jolted at things that rush at night, but to be fair, they don't stop. Could be because I had motivations or expectations which I should never have had.
The time gone has taught me many things, the most important ones being not to trust. Not myself, nor others. The future I want to see, for that will show me where I am now. I may be fulfilled or just avoiding things, but they do not enter my mind. The present allures and we are at its behest.
But will it matter, if I see the future. The end, most likely, I will lament and reminisce. It feels like a relief, but as I sit with it, there will be no healing, as there will be no time. Because something that doesn't matter anymore isn't healed. It's just dead.
Souvenirs of the past sit timeless. The cost of sanity, to reminisce. Memories lie. Mirrors corrupt. "Breathe… keep breathing." The body begs. The mind negotiates. Sedation as the dusk settles.
I want to see what the future holds for me. As I cannot be trusted, the realization is either that I am spent, or that I am the nature that sees and doesn't take part. Sees the unguided paving, to make an example of the defaulted.
I don't recognize my past self. God, would I like to make everything right.
