I want to eat chocolate. I just want to eat chocolate. God, fuck, fucking veganism. Today was intense. I'll write SoC instead of eating. It's better. I tried chips, it's not the same as chocolate. I tried to find rice milk chocolate, they didn't have it. It's better anyway not to eat shit that pollutes my body. Makes me think of that SoC in which I was talking about eating banana and putting it on my face. I did it today with Daan around, not explaining, he might not even have noticed, and if he did, he probably felt to meek or shy to ask. I still don't really understand in which situations I can use the word meek. English feels very fluent to me though. At times enlgish comes out more easily than dutch. So yeah, my company burst today. Done. I have worked for 4 years, I thought my work relationship with my sister was kind of indistructable... no. It was not. It was not. She'll keep the company, and I feel like I'm left with empty hands. I have to start asking for what I do want to take with me from it. No money to ask for really. But I want... the working course system. And I want to put the notifications on all the youtube meditations to inform the audience I now have my own website. I might be able to take the english meditations. Fuck I hate microphones. Audio quality is fucking hard. Anyway, I had that problem before I broke up with my sister as well. I just farted and it's a little bit stinky. I don't think my sister is able to smell it from where she's sitting though. SoC.. I would never share this if it wasn't for me writing SoC. It totally makes me aware of possible readers. I don't have any readers yet I think. On SteemIt one post got 5 upvotes though, nothing to make money with. Fuck I hate money. I love money, it's so helpful. And it seems so scarce. While actually it's not. Have I ever experienced a lack of money? No. And yet I keep being afraid of running out it. No income. Any income in sight? Kind of. For four years already I though the company would make money. I seem to optimistic EVERY FUCKING TIME. Giving laughter yoga workshops was totally different though, I didn't expect that to make any money, I just did it for fun, and then money came my way as soon as I just put it on a website. The product sold itself. I hope the relationship course will sell itself. Jordan believes so. We'll now have to make the website to put it on though, and... well... he wants me to be able to do the programming/worpress stuff myself. That causes me stress. I feel... I have felt a LOT of discouragement today. I have cried a lot today. I'm happy with the organic Kamille tea I found in the store today. It definitely feels like is soothing my soul. Makes me think of the stuffed animal I also put in that bag that my parents would take to my sisters when they would visit her. Nijntje, my little rabbit that I had from birth onwards... lost. Together with my favorite pants. While I have only one outfit. Okay. Fuck. I want to stop complaining. I almost can't believe how often I'm writing the word 'fuck'. If I'm in my normal good mood, I never do that. Often today I have heard myself thinking in these negative doom ways. And I know I'm talking bullshit. And still I feel like I want to wallow around in it. Self-pity. So toxic. I feel partly ashamed about it. I consider it... so undeveloped to do that. It feels like I gave up on that kind of crap years ago. But no, it's still here when something intense happens. But I can hardly make myself wrong fot it, I mean... shit. A lot of shit happened in that last two days. I feel a lot of grief for a project I have been working on for 4 years to suddenly collapse. I feel unsafe, financially. I should start negotiating with my sister on what I want from her and the company, because resentment starts building again. Fuck I'm so hard with asking for what I want. So quickly I feel wrong for it. I feel wrong for so many things right now. I start crying again. I'm looking forward to the call with Jordan tomorrow, oh no, day after tomorrow for tomorrow he'll be traveling the whole day. He'll probably e-mail me though. I don't want to feel dependent like this. Sadness often makes me turn away from people, afraid that I'll become dependent on their support, or afraid to look weak and dependent. But I do like to share my sadness, and I do, I did. I stopped crying again. Thoughts just go on. It's been a really pensative day, lot's of feelings as well. Discouragement, sadness, anger, resentment, fear. Worst day in... months probably. Fucking worpress. I don't want to find out how all that shit works. I'm not a programmer. I don't like that computer stuff. Ohh well. I did learn two little program languages as a teenager, just for fun really. And I totally loved making layouts and websites. On my own. Fuck, I feel so incapabel to work together. I don't have to though. I can be some kind of loner-worker. That's fine. And I'm not. Because I'm still working with Jordan now. And if I want to do some physical business like a spiritual center, I can ask Hobin. That's an explosive relationship as well though. It's so fucking hard to understand that guy. I love him as well. And sometimes he works on my nerves. And sometimes I just... culture differences I guess. Thailand, I'm going to Thailand soon. I have to keep checking the Vipassana website. I want to have the February retreat. That will be ... fun? Hopefully amazing and eye-opening. Abundance. I want to feel abundance. I want to feel cared for by my higher Self, by the universe. I want to feel safe. Bentinho said that to open the gate to abundance, you have to start being generous, knowing that the universe will then give you more, so that you can keep being generous. If I feel into that, that feels joyful, to be able to be generous, and the universe sustaining that life style to me. But I don't think it works that way... I think of Joep, he lives without much money every day, he's super generous, but he doens't work really, he gets enough to come by, but I wouldn't say that the gates of abundace opened for him. But maybe he's just keeping the money out with his hippie beliefs that money is bad or something. Money is love, some book stated. It does feel better to think of it in that way. And isn't it true? For everything in the universe is love! And if I use my money to buy organic groceries, I do like that shop, and so I can give the money with love. I want more tea. I can't believe Jordan still likes me, I'm a mess. I can understand many others liking me, but he is so not-messy. How can have better than me it seems. Funny because he seems so to have surprised feelings of me liking him as well. Wauw during the call today I really had some moments of looking at him and wanting to make love again. An ocean apart. His penis is not long enough for that ha ha. Cyber sex doesn't feel like my thing. Never tried it though, so how would I know? But I believe it to be realllly awkward. Water is boiling. I hope my sister and her boyfriend feel happy with me staying here. But gee (jee?) honestly, I feel so much more insecure about whether other people will like me or not when I'm in negative emotions. I feel like I'm not loveble, enjoyable, no good company. And well, there was one friend who explicitly stated I was no fun anymore during the time period I was depressed. And honestly, and I wish it would be different because depressed people should have friends too, I don't myself either to connect to people who are thinking negative all the time. It's contagious to me. Or I get frustated for them not living their potential. I totally feel like I'm learning a lot all the time, and becoming more and more my highest potential. Can I stil be enjoyable when I'm in some more low moments? For Jordan I am I believe. I don't know how that would be if I would stick around in it. I won't though. I'm sure I won't. But life feels hard today. I suddenly perceive the world as hard and a lot of scarcity. Abundance of scarcity... yes. Abundance. I AM safe. I have dutch citizenship, I just have to keep my last money for a flight ticket back home (or ask my parent to loan me money for that, they most probably will) and ask the government for money. And then I will have to accept some stupid job. Okay. That's okay. The worst case scenario is okay. Or I can ask Hobin if he want to provide for me, he'll love doing that if I can be around him in his house for that. I still don't really understand why so many men fall in love with me like crazy, all the time... Maybe I'll find something out about it during my hypnosis sessions. Not in the past life one probably yet, but probably in the spirit world session. For that I will have to stick around in Loes's house for at least... two weeks more. That might be... challenging. I have no clue where this is heading. I feel scared. I feel safe as well though. Life is weird. I seem to have to accept the challenge that I probably consicously chose for myself before I incarnated. So apparently me, my guide and maybe others thought I would be up for the challenge, that I would be good enough, capable enough. Well at least I'm not suicidal, so I guess then nothing is really going wrong. I feel like I'm in a storm on sea and I just need to get trough it. I feel like that would aready be a accomplishment. Just to hold on and yes, I will take some actions now and then, but I have no way to know what it right or wrong other then trying to listen to my feelings. My feelings are often contradicting and mixed up with beliefs and thoughts. It's messy inside me, it's not clear. I feel osme tiredness seting in. 22:10. I'm happy to notice the jet lag doesn't seem to be here at all. I sleep fine during night time, I'm awake fine during daytime, as there's no time difference at all with Sedona and Freiburg. Okay great. Maybe I'll read a little bit in the little Eckart Tolle book. I would like to find a unconditional source of happiness inside me. And I'm willing to... well. Let's not make commitments, but I want to read more.
