As I write this, the world feels tense and unstable. The escalating conflict involving the United States, Israel, and Iran weighs heavily on many of us watching from afar. I condemn war, bombing, and any form of oppression, because civilians absorb the damage. I do not support governments that enable violence, nor leaders who remain in power to control their people indefinitely. None of these positions justify harm. My thoughts are with the ordinary families, the displaced, the children, the elderly, and even the animals whose lives are disrupted or ended by decisions they did not make.
To be honest, writing this post is challenging for me, as it requires me to acknowledge some shortcomings and feelings of shame stemming from my past experiences with the church. I never mention this in HIVE but for the past couple of years I have been deconstructing my Christian faith and left the church several months ago. However, as a writer, I believe I should not only write about the rosy parts of life but also the ugly ones. So what experiences in life helped me grow the most?
Disorientation, not achievement or visible milestones, was what helped me grow the most. Five years ago, I thought I would fall apart without the church. I thought I needed other people to help me make important decisions. I used to think that being obedient would keep me safe. If I questioned advice given by church members or made a different choice, I thought something was wrong with me. I told myself I was hardheaded, rebellious, proud, and even divisive. I didn’t hear those labels yelled at me every day, but they were implied often enough that I absorbed them.
I kept those words to myself, and slowly, throughout the years, they changed the way I thought about my thoughts. I imagined how other people might see my choices before I made them. I believed that being humble meant following the rules, and I assumed that having doubts meant being morally weak. And yes, when you spend years in a highly controlled environment, you will have these toxic thinking patterns. I haven’t decided to write about it yet because I’m still processing my experiences over the last 20 years.
If I were being honest, I didn’t feel courageous leaving the church. In fact, it made me feel unstable. For a while, I thought things would fall apart and I waited for proof that I couldn’t steer my life without guidance from the church. I believed if I didn’t get regular feedback or advice, I would make mistakes. I closely monitored myself, expecting to fail.
Instead, something happened gradually. I started making decisions without checking with anyone first. I started with minor decisions and worked my way up to bigger ones. My judgment was correct. I wasn’t being careless or crazy, and I wasn’t falling apart. The world didn’t end because I trusted my own judgment.
Without constant guidance, I had to pay more attention to myself. I had to distinguish between fear and discernment. I had to deal with uncertainty without immediately looking for reassurance. The process was uncomfortable, and it made me realize that a lot of my previous obedience was based on fear rather than belief in Christian conviction.
Another area that helped me grow the most is being a mother. It changed me in ways I didn’t expect. It took a lot of strength to raise kids while dealing with fatigue, migraines, and changing health. This tedious work of mothering often happened in silence and without an audience. Perseverance didn’t happen overnight. I had to build it slowly throughout the years and without drama. Being a responsible parent meant making choices even when I wasn’t sure what to do.
Financial instability made things even worse. It showed me how much of my hesitation was due to fear of being wrong. When income is uncertain, every choice feels amplified. As time went on, I learned that instability doesn’t always mean you’re not good at what you do. It just means you are in a hard season, and the seasons will change.
However, the most significant change was internal. I no longer believe that being independent meant being rebellious. I stopped thinking that disagreeing was a sign of moral failure. I no longer believe that valid guidance must come from a single authority or religion. These days, I trust my reasoning with steadiness instead of pride or certainty.
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