I have not been in a good mental state these past few days (again), which explains why I am not that active on Hive, especially in interacting. Even though I want to force myself to be okay, my mind is not in the mood to interact with other people. This mentally induced laziness also makes me unmotivated to write a draft and publish something.
Photo by Chris Sabor on Unsplash
Two days ago, my mother and I had a quarrel. The exchange of conversation got heated and uncontrollable, which led to more conflict. I heard something that was really offensive to my side and that triggered me. I just found myself bawling my eyes out and sharing my ill feelings toward them. I don’t really mean it, and I regret it now. It is just that I have failed to control my emotions and let my mouth do the talking. I believe that some of us had this experience with our parents, and I know you can understand me. This feels uncomfortable to share, but writing is one of my only ways to release some of the emotional burden and guilt.
This is the longest misunderstanding we have had. Maybe I am in a good place right now if I just make my trigger string longer and let her words pass to my other ear. I failed to numb myself and I let my emotions take over in the situation. But could I blame myself for that? I tried to store and disregard what I felt for several months or even years just to maintain peace, and now it's like a bomb that exploded at the wrong time. I just tried to explain myself and tell her that what she said was wrong. But based on what happened, I realized that sometimes we should keep things to ourselves and shut our mouths.
Until now, we’re still not talking. The small space of our house feels smaller now that we’re avoiding each other's presence. Can you relate to this feeling where you fought with your friend at school and, for as long as possible, you’re finding a way to avoid seeing them? For instance, that certain friend is in the canteen, but since it's awkward if you meet there, you will just try to avoid that place, thus making your movement limited. It sucks. My activities are really affected by knowing that I and my mother live under the same roof. Although I want to be productive and stay on my computer, it feels uncomfortable that my mother is on the sofa, watching my actions and movements. It's awkward. I can just go out with my friends to temporarily escape the suffocating atmosphere, but I think this is not a good move as it will just add fuel to the fire. We are all aware of the traditional behavior of mothers when we go out with our friends, thinking that we are neglecting our house responsibilities when we just think about ourselves and pleasures.
Photo by Guido Jansen on Unsplash
I am trying to make the first move to fix the tension between us. Although I am not used to saying sorry, I always show my repentance through my actions. I will wash the dishes, sweep the floor, organize our room, and do other things to impress her. If things are starting to get loose, I will use this opportunity to talk to her and apologize for what happened. I was trying to use this technique earlier, but I can still feel her resentment toward me, so I think this is not a perfect time.
I am looking forward to finally having the courage to step in, talk and apologize to her. I love her so much that my conscience can’t bear the pain of what I have done. I love her so much that every time she shares what she wants in the future, I always take note of it. What I am doing right now is a small step towards achieving our dreams in the future. This is why I explore the possibilities of crypto, save money, and find other means of passive income. I want to reach the time when they will no longer wait for me to find a high-paying job or get promoted to fulfill what they want. I really want to repay them for their sacrifices as soon as possible. Maybe we had a fight, but that doesn't change the fact of how I look at them and how they are included in my future plans.
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